Wednesday, August 26, 2009

exposed vulnerabilities

sometimes, when i am in a relationship, i become certifiably insane. and this time is no different, not in that regard. but the complications added this time, the distance and the feeling, make me feel like perhaps i am ready to be fitted for a straight jacket. if he was here, if i was there, if i didn't think about him the way that i do, if i didn't wonder if maybe... then i could keep the crazy at bay, let it out in little spurts. but these days it seems that this particular brand of bananas can't sit on the shelf for any extended period of time. it crops up almost daily. and it's nerve-wracking. i am a girl who's used to solving problems with hugs and kisses (you know, after i've done some yelling and stomping of the feet), and forcing me to use my words (even though it seems i have them all at my disposal) can backfire. i don't say what i mean, or i don't say enough (shocking, right?), or when i get all of what i want to say out i feel foolish for having been bothered by whatever behavior it was in the first place. since we are so far away, i spend too much time rolling over situations in my head and wondering whether i am pissed off or if i am merely annoyed. and i can't help but wonder if it would be any different if we could hug it out when we need to. or, more accurately, when i need to. and he's really great, maybe the greatest (don't you dare tell him i said that). but he drives me crazy. or is it me that's driving me crazy? i just need some contact. more than what i'm getting, you know? real skin to skin. but even if i had it, would all of this nuts-o behavior disappear? when do you let it go? when do you relax? when do you give the guy a break (because of course he deserves it)? when do you settle into it and stop panicking every time something doesn't go the way it's supposed to, or the way you imagine it's supposed to? i'm not sure there are any answers. besides maybe deep breaths. and vodka. ;)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

so it's almost bedtime...

...and you think that you're done laughing for the day, done smiling, done being entertained. you go outside to drink some apple cinammon tea and have a bedtime cigarette, and you sit at the top of the stairs yawning and thinking about how lovely the view of the trees is from where you are. and then, out of nowhere, the douchebag downstairs neighbor comes out of his apartment, gets halfway up the stairs with a bong in one hand and a beer in the other, looks up, sees you sitting at the top, turns around and goes directly back into his apartment, without a word.

and then you laugh maniacally.

for like two solid minutes.

the moral of the story is: don't close the book on amusement, not until you are for sure asleep.

Monday, August 24, 2009

did you see it?!?

i saw "inglourious basterds" yesterday afternoon, and i straight CANNOT get it out of my head. i l-o-v-e-d loved it. the actors, the script, the art direction, the gore, the fluid switch from french to english to german. even the pitt, of whom i am no big fan but think is a phenomenal actor. i think i'll make a plan to see it again soon. maybe tuesday, when my local cineplex offers large popcorn and large sodey pop for $1 each? maybe so.

i have taken to going to the movies by myself in the last few years, and let me just tell you, i don't know if i ever enjoy any movie as much as the ones i watch alone (with the obvious exception of movies i can quote verbatim, i.e. tommy boy, drop dead gorgeous, aladdin, etc. these are all better when watched with someone who can also say the lines with the movie, and perform any musical numbers with pizazz). i mean, think about it, when one goes to the theater alone, one doesn't have to share popcorn or junior mints or coca-cola just because it's cost effective, one doesn't have to endure their companion's whispers or ill-timed laughs or any other variation on such interruptions, and (and this is a BIG ONE in my case) one doesn't force anyone else to endure one's whispers or ill-timed laughs. it's a win-win folks. plus plus plus, there's no "do you want to sit in the front or the back or the middle" seating debacle. plus plus PLUS, you can get there as early or late as you like, depending on your stance on previews (i personally do NOT like to miss the previews).

okay, granted, like any girl does, i sure do enjoy a date night at the movies, when homeboy buys the popcorn and maybe your hands brush going for some buttery goodness at the same time and you giggle like a teenager and he lets you grab his arm if you're scared (because he gets to pick the flick and he chooses a scary movie because he is a jerk and maybe because you picked the last time and made him see "27 dresses" or something similar) and all of that good stuff. but, i'm telling you, if you haven't sat in a cold theater with a huge box of sour patch kids and a big ol' dr. pepper that's all yours with no one in the seats on either side of you, then you should totally get on it. it's a whole new experience, and a good one at that.

Friday, August 14, 2009

an open letter to myself

dear melissa,

i know you say these things to yourself in your head sometimes when you're in a funk, but since you have found yourself in this spot again with no progress in having a new and better reaction, i figured i'd write down some reminders for you in hopes that maybe they'll finally stick:
  • not everything is a huge fucking problem. you act like the smallest nuisance is the end of the world sometimes, and it's getting old. you've seen some big bad shit before, and you've handled it (beautifully, if i may say so myself), so quit letting a crappy email or a missed phone call or a dumb comment weigh you down.
  • get over yourself. yes, you're the center of your own little universe, as that's as it should be. but yours is the only universe center that you occupy, and that is also as it should be.
  • it is no one's job but yours to make you feel better when you're down. you should really stop depending on anyone who will pick up the phone to do work that you know you can only do yourself.
  • projecting your piss-poor attitude on your sisters, your parents, your friends, and your boyfriend is rude and will definitely bite you in the ass at some point. i know you've seen proof of that; i was there, remember?
  • there is not, contrary to popular belief, a reason for everything that happens. you'd spend a lot less time drowning your boo hoos in wine if you'd quit searching for a non-existent answer. you are prone to over-analyzing, and it does nothing but wear you out.

please remember that i really love you and all your goofy neurotic tendencies. you know i think you're a bad ass, but there is always room for improvement. and this "wah wah, i'm in a funk" routine is really tired. funks serve no purpose but to waste your time and energy, and you always feel silly for having succumbed to them when they're over, don't you? you're bound to get the blues once in a while, but i'm just suggesting that you give in to them less often. i think you'll thank me later. don't forget, you don't have to be perfect to be better.

love you big time,


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

exes and whys

also titled: way back wednesday, in a manner of speaking
i've been experiencing a strange phenomenon as of late: i have been on the business end of some fairly interesting post-relationship contact with three ex-boyfriends, and have not at all been weirded out by hanging out with them. these guys have nothing in common except for me, so my initial suspicion that this is some elaborate plot to showcase me in the worst punk'd episode ever has since dissipated, and i've come to realize that perhaps this is something normal people do. we text, we call, we see each other accidentally and on purpose. we are... are we... is it possible that we've become... friends? i've never been a girl who stays friendly with once and former dreamboats, but neither have i been a girl who holds a grudge. so while i am surprised to be on the receiving end of any after-the-fact attention, i don't hate it at all. as a matter of fact, i'm kinda digging it. i mean, these dudes each knew me pretty well at some point(s) or another, and even after we exploded or evaporated or just ended, they still want to know me? that's good for my ego. maybe we'll get tired of each other the way we did before. or maybe we'll braid each other's hair and tell our deepest darkest secrets. or maybe we'll be casual acquaintances. i've always wanted one of those... i'll let you know how it turns out. :)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

soy la ganadora

so, i let the blog go a little, and it was the middle of july before i really realized it. so i made a bet with myself that i could go blog-silent for the full month, and i did. iiiiii win. (what's the name of this game?) (i win.) i think spewing ridiculousness on twitter helped with the quietude. anyhoodle, i'm back, i guess.

what have i been up to? oh, you know, same old shit. working playing losing weight gaining weight laughing dancing singing on stage (that's a new one) and did i mention drinking? so you haven't missed much, unless you've missed me. in which case, back atcha. still loving my messy little apartment and diggin' on my bad ass boyfriend. still giving mucho hugs and kisses and driving with the windows down. still putting off pedicures and eating too much cheese dip. things don't change much around here, folks.

anyhow, look forward to pictures, eventually. i recently purchased new batteries for my camera and i have missed several kodak moments as of late, so i'll be remedying that on the quick. you haven't seen my new(ish) place! you haven't seen how long my hair has gotten! you haven't seen my cute little laptop from which i am blogging RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND! lots to see, much to post.

love love love love love. catch you on the flip flop.