Friday, May 15, 2009

perception is a bitch

this is what i am:
this is what i see:

do i have body dysmorphic disorder?
no, of course i don't have anything that sad or serious. all i have is an extended teenage case of the "i'm not cute enough"s and the "why don't i look like that"s. ugh ugh ugh. i recently started working out again, drinking (a little) less, and eating healthier. so why do i feel bigger than when i didn't do anything? since when does a pretty intense slash in calories (on most days) and grueling cardio equal feeling grosser than before? makey no sense. i mean, i'm not expecting my old self to show up overnight, but for cryin' out loud, the extra squish CANNOT get out of here fast enough.

okay, i just needed to get that off my chest. i'm still cute i'm still cute i'm still cute i'm still cute i'll be even cuter one of these days i'm still cute i'm still cute. will keep this mantra on repeat until at least 15 lbs are bye bye.


Unknown said...

You know how we were talking about pregnancy changes and weight loss because of breastfeeding the other night? Well, one of the nice things I've experienced (not sure if it's a universal experience or not, though) since becoming un-pregnant is a totally new (and MUCH healthier) perception about my size. Before being pregnant I was all jacked up about my body image. Now, even with a whacked-out looking stomach (still gloopy, stripey, and hairy--fun, huh?), when I look in the mirror, I think, "not too shabby." Because, just 6 weeks ago, I was a massive blimp.

Moral of the story: get pregnant. Even if you're not skinny after you have the baby, your brain will think you are. At least for a while.

And yes, you're cute (Do you know the Animaniacs song by Dot about being cute? That would make a great mantra, by the way). This was really long. Sorry.

katandkarl said...

hahahah. i second the get preggo advice. hahahahah.

ok not really.

care said...

a) I feel ya.
b) I think you probably prefer having boobs and an ass with a scale saying a higher number than you'd prefer than the lower number, boobs-and-ass-less alternative.
c) the dot song is totally adorable.
and d) what matters is being healthy. and if that's your goal than any weight is a-o-k. :)

Jax said...

I totally feel ya.. Lately trying on swimsuits for vacation makes me hate life. I think they're all cut for 17 year olds. Seriously. I find myself staring at 2o year olds thinking "damn her. I used to look like that.. then gravity took over and sun damage finally showed up. fuck that." haha.. You're adorable, but mans, I know what you're feeling..

miya p. said...

so...i have been wanting to post about this very thing, but couldn't figure out how to put it into words.

of course, i could say that you are NOT fat (which you aren't)

and i could point out that you are smokin' hot (which you are)

but really, would it help...prolly not. i know if i had posted this very thing like i wanted to, and peeps said "aww, miya papaya, you look fine" in my head i would think..."what nice friends i have, they love me for who i am not what i look like" and then i would go straight to the gym crying all the way there.

the moral: society has fucked all of us up into thinking that we should look like some impossibly perfect, idealized, clone.

i love you, me and you...we're beautiful. lets just think on that one for a while.

brooke knight said...

yeah, i totally feel the same way, pretty much constantly. i remember wearing what i thought was a cute outfit way back in sept. to a school event on my birthday. monday, i saw a pic someone had taken of my backside and was nearly in tears over my perceived "mom butt". needless to say, those jeans have not been worn since.

Sarah said...

oh my gosh, thank you for this post. those pictures you posted completely capture the way i feel about myself. why? i look at pictures of myself at my thinnest and know that at that point in time I THOUGHT I WAS A HEFER!!!! WTF? why are we so hard on ourselves?

love what brooke number one wrote. it was funny.

love what everyone else wrote too... everyone has said it all.

Big Mike said...

You know that I think you're silly. You know that I think you're gorgeous. Outside and in.