it's been a minute

... but i've got a really good excuse for not blogging. : ) so, i know i've done quite a bit of bitching about certain days being the worst days ever. oh work sucks oh i have a headache oh i'm in a bad mood. i'm good at whining for sure. : ) but monday was actually, quite literally, the worst day ever. let's rewind for a second to last week. i started having this very sharp pain in my upper back when i would cough or sneeze, right? so monday morning when i woke up the pain was constant and exCRUciating so i called my doctor to make an appointment. he did a lot of poking and prodding and the usual doctor stuff, but he couldn't really figure out what was up with me so he sent me to the radiology clinic at conway regional to get a chest ct done. at this point, i was nervous. i've never been to a hospital for myself before. and i'm not ashamed at all to say i was shaking like a gd leaf the whole time i was there. as i left the clinic they told me that i didn't have a blood clot (that's what they were looking for?!?) but that i needed to go back to my doctor's office. so i went back to see dr. martin all excited that nothing was really wrong. but when i got there, he told me that the cat scan showed some inflammed lymph nodes in my lungs. i thought those things were on your neck. anyhow, he said there was no way to tell yet what the problem was, but that it could be as simple an issue as an inflammation or a mild infection. but he also threw out some pretty scary possibilities of other things this might mean. and by "scary possibilities" i mean lymphoma (he said more than that but that's the one that stuck in my head). so i had to go to st. vincent's this morning for a more thorough (read: head to kneecaps) cat scan to see if what's in my lungs is also in my abdomen and pelvis. and when i get the results back from that the doctor will know where to take the tissue from in order to do a biopsy and figure out what the FUCK is going on here. pardon the language, please. so here's what's up now: monday was a nightmare. i cannot remember a time ever EVER that i have been so scared in my life. and, of course, i was by myself. who takes someone to the doctor with them when all they're expecting is a prescription? i spent tuesday in mountain home with my dad, trying to calm down and giving my sweet little meg-pie and my darling ho ho big hugs and kisses (okay and i cried a little too). now i'm just waiting for this scan to come back. and hopefully tomorrow my doctor will be able to tell me whether he can extract the tissue they need for the biopsy from my abdomen with a needle, or if i'll have to go back to the hospital so they can stick a tube down my throat and scrape some tissue off my lungs. right now, i have no idea what's wrong with me. like the good man said, it could be minor, and it could be more. so i guess what i'm saying is that maybe keep your fingers crossed. and think happy thoughts. and i guess that's that for now. :)