hello this is your old body calling

i am definitely a victim of departmental fattening, that is FOR SURE. man, these girls love them some potluck, you know? and they don't bring nasty store-food; these people go home and MAKE DELICIOUS TREATS that i have a very hard time resisting. and so, rather than hope pilates will melt away the excess (ha! it didn't work last fall, did it melissa?), i have signed up with a trainer at my gym and project let's-get-this-girl-looking-hot-like-she-was-20-again is underway. pretty soon, i'll be looking like this: (only maybe less cartoon-y)

please let it work please let it work please let it work please let it work please let it work. i'm vain and i can't afford lipo.

hump day bitchfest

i'm posting a picture of my boy jay-z because i was initially going to free-style this post. but i am too embarrassed to do it. i don't know if my rap skills are up to par. so i will instead just speak my piece it like the suburban white girl i am. : )
so, overtime is nice and i refuse to complain too hard about getting paid time and a half. but overtime this week at my job is mandatory. that's right, MANDATORY. that sort of sucks all the fun out of it, you know? we're under-staffed, under-motivated, and definitely under-paid. i don't know if all of these words need to be hyphenated or not. that's how run-down i am. damn, another maybe-hyphen. oh god make it stop.
it's wednesday, so you know what that means. ANTM, bitches. that's what it means. and idol cuts, although i'm quickly losing interest as it seems the voting public insists on painfully watching sanjaya until the bitter end. damn you, teenage girls. damn you all.
i need a night out. let's go dancing and drink our weight in cheap beer. who's in?

things i did this weekend

by melissa margaret haney the first

a) sprained my damn ankle. ouch ouch ouch. on the upside, i've been sitting around like a princess with my foot propped up and getting lots of sympathy from tatum. *editor's note* i'm pretty sure my foot is cuter than the one in this picture.
2) won $20 at oaklawn on saturday! i bet $2 on a horse called "junior college." i thought that name was hilarious and i must have been the only person in the joint who bet on him because $20 is a pretty decent return.
d) went to see 300 yesterday with my girl jessica. we both LOVED it and i highly recommend it. so good, folks. so good.
5) received a return email from a freelance writer in new york with whom i am basically obsessed. i sent her a little love note and asked how she got such a cool job and she actually wrote back. we may end up being pen pals. and you may see my name in print on something other than my silly blog!

so here we are, back at monday (already?!?). foot's propped up, desk is a mess, belly is full (thank you chick-fil-a), and afternoon seems endless. hope everyone had a good weekend!

as predicted

*sigh* the picture above is my girl jaslene displaying some mad posing skills in a scene straight out of entrapment (i love that movie, and i loved this challenge). she'll never win the competition because as big meg so correctly pointed out, when it comes time for them to shoot the covergirl commercial (please, god, let little jaslene make it to that episode) no one will be able to understand a word she's saying for all the brooklyn-cha cha she's got going on. but that's okay because she's making my favorite show that much more enjoyable in the meantime. thursday is infinitely better, for anyone who's interested. : )

i completely agree, mr. fox

the first guy to dub wednesday "hump day" probably laughed and laughed and laughed. and, usually, wednesdays are not so bad. hump day, ha. that's kind of funny. but matthew fox and i are on the same page about this particular wednesday. it's not even lunchtime yet (and i go to lunch kinda early, people) and already i am giving the finger to this stupid day. ugh. the ONLY saving grace about today (especially in light of the fact that this afternoon will more than likely not see an incline in non-suckiness) is that america's next top model will be on tonight. help me, tyra. for pete's sake, HELP ME TYRA. wednesday's a blood-sucker. march 21st is not welcome here any longer (until 7pm). also, i had a nightmare about sanjaya from american idol last night. a full-on nightmare. i really should have just stayed home today.

i definitely burned both ends

friday night: ladies night with some chicks from work who rarely get out of the house. it could've been tame, but it was the exact opposite. hooray for dancing like we're in kanye video! a pretty boy asked me for my phone number and i obliged. he called last night and we small-talked a bit, and he informed me (i really don't know how this came up) that he has a car-unlocking kit thingy. he is now my new favorite person as i am REALLY BAD about locking myself out of the malibu.
saturday: hey, let's go to tulsa! why the hell not? irish music, satellite radio, plenty of cigarettes and miss kathleen made the trip go by quickly and st. patrick's day at jenny's was ON FIRE for real. *sigh* that was seriously fun. except for eskimo joe. jesus jenny, being single is not a terminal illness and please quit telling people i will f*ck for a buck because we both know the rates have gone up. :)

i am at work right now, really wishing i'd taken a little bit more advantage of sunday evening (aka recovery time) but of course i did not. i missed ANTM on wednesday and the CW (bless their little hearts) re-ran it last night. all in all, weekend = success and melissa = not as young as she used to be.

ides schmides

the ides of march are not so bad, ceasar. at least this one wasn't. we had a chili cook-off in my office today and although my team won exactly zero awards (we got robbed on the real) we had a damn good time. yum yum yum our chili was delicious! and we should've gotten some style points for sure. yeah, all the other tables were very clean with very pricey decorations and cutesy little costumes for all the team members, but our set-up was like a real mexican restaurant. we had that low-budge-kinda-dirty-questionable-employees-awesome-food vibe going. oh well. maybe next year.


in other news, this weekend is ST. PATRICK'S DAY and oh boy am i excited. to answer your question, jenny, yes i will be there will bells.... uh.... beers on. baby can't wait! i don't have to sleep in my car do i? i really hate that.

and finally, tomorrow is this guy's birthday. yea for birthdays and yea for pittman! have fun, be careful, and don't forget to close your eyes reeeeeal tight when you blow out the candles; you want to be sure you get whatever you wish for. : ) haaaaaaaappy birthday!!! (by the way, i definitely snatched this pic from pitt's facebook profile. i'm that girl. i have posted no pictures on this blog that are not someone else's first. i do not like this fact, but neither am i ashamed.)