Thursday, April 1, 2010

buckle up

this post is going to take forever to type. and i don't have any pictures for you right now, so i'm offering this little disclaimer in case that makes you want to stop reading now. if it's pictures you're after, maybe check back next week? or next month? i don't know. you just won't get any today.

okay, now that we've handled that little bit of business, here we go:

SIGH. it's been forever since i updated, and normally that's not really an issue, because normally most of what i have to say is trivial and meant only as a vehicle to get thoughts out of my head before the suffocate me. but the time between now and my last post has been awfully full of so many things... i'll do the best i can to catch you up, okay?

so i went back to arkansas at the end of february to handle all my biz and tie up the loose ends and put that baby to rest and use several cliches in one sentence. it was fabulous and it was awful and it was amazing and it was terrible. i must've had some good ju ju coming my way because it seemed as though, from the moment i got off the plane until the moment i re-boarded ten days later, pretty much everything went my way. before i went back i had these horrible thoughts that my apartment had been robbed or that i wouldn't be able to sell my car or that there wasn't enough time to pack and on and on and on. sometimes i have a little bit of a doomsday persona that allows my imagination to expect the worst possible scenarios at every turn. but my apartment looked the same, i got more than what i was hoping to get for my car, there was plenty of time to pack (and plenty of help, too), and so the only problem left with which to struggle was my severe, self-fulfilled, and i think well-earned emotional instability. i mean, after all the boxes were packed and the decisions were made, i couldn't get my head around the fact that THIS time would be the LAST time in a while that i would SEE her or LAUGH WITH him or get those hugs from THEM that i really really really really REALLY rely upon. my going away party was so much fun, and so bittersweet... if you were there, then you know. and if you weren't, i wish you were. a pregnant friend of mine left after a couple of hours, and i understood. i mean, we were in a bar. another friend, a new mommy, left soon after, and i understood. i mean, she had TWO brand new babies at home. but then another friend left (she had to work early the next day and i totally did not blame her for going)... and that's when i kind of lost it. it really started sinking in that everyone was going home. and it wasn't a "see you later" kind of situation. it was more like a "things won't be the same anymore" kind of situation. and maybe i cried a little. maybe.

***does that make me sound like a brat? i didn't cry because everyone, at some point, went home. i mean, i wasn't stomping my feet like a little kid in an IT'S MY PARTY kind of fashion. i was just upset because going home meant i had to go, too. are we on the same page here? 'cause i re-read those last few sentences and i definitely sound like a little shit. just wanted to clear that up. as you were.***

i filled up all of my time in arkansas with my own business, and i would have much preferred being in the company of all the people that i had to leave. everyone had such a different reaction those last few days... but the three that stick out are the three that count the most. megan, of course, cried like a baby. and i cried with her. we stood in the parking lot of my apartment complex and hugged and kissed and sobbed and laughed and i'm tearing up now just remembering it. that was not easy. tatum didn't let me shed one single tear, and i can always count on her for that. she's my chin up friend, the one who won't ever let any goodbye be final. i need that, and she fills that need. and kat let a few tears fall, some of hers, some of mine. and then we dried it up and promised to see each other soon. and we will, 'cause that's how we roll.

so now i'm here. and i am absoLUTEly having trouble adjusting. not to the weather (ha! this place is gorgeous), not to the traffic (it's really not as bad as people act like it is), and not to spending so much time with scott (although that has had its ups and downs so far). no, i'm having trouble adjusting to being away from all of you. i don't have a job. i don't have a car. i don't have any friends that are mine alone. all i have is him, which is enough... most days. :) i know it will all even out once i'm employed and making new friends and doing things for myself, but sometimes i just want to have girls' night and watch antm. i just want to drive 45 minutes to see my sister for the night. i just want to catch up on the dvr on my old couch. ugh. wah wah wah. ;)

oh good lord enough of all of that. today, april first, was supposed to be the day i moved here. crazy, right? and, even though the previous paragraph would have you believing differently, i'm really doing well. IT IS ALWAYS SUNNY HERE! and i get to see scott every day! EVERY DAY! and i haven't had to go to work in two months! i'm excited about what comes next, and everything after that, too. :)

much love from los angeles. i miss you like you wouldn't believe, but i wouldn't change anything about what i have now, not for one second. xoxo


mercurial mary said...

it's all ahead of you, girl. i can't wait to see what you make of it!

katandkarl said...

xo. that is all.

Jennifer said...

Thinking about you hot stuff and missing you bunches.

Big Mike said...

I'm not sad that I missed your "Going Away Party" because, like Tatum, I will not accept any "goodbye" to be the final one. Sure, I would have liked to hang out and relish in your final days, but I also remind myself that they won't be the last. I'm glad that you are doing well and am looking forward to seeing you again, lk. Lots of love. *Big Mike Hug*

Megan said...

i don't know why i haven't commented on this yet...but reading about the tears made me almost cry AGAIN. of course that goodbye isn't goodbye forever. i guess it all just hit me at once that i wouldn't be able to see you anytime i wanted to. i guess this just means we'll have to try a little harder. i love you more than anything and anyone.