buckle up

this post is going to take forever to type. and i don't have any pictures for you right now, so i'm offering this little disclaimer in case that makes you want to stop reading now. if it's pictures you're after, maybe check back next week? or next month? i don't know. you just won't get any today.

okay, now that we've handled that little bit of business, here we go:

SIGH. it's been forever since i updated, and normally that's not really an issue, because normally most of what i have to say is trivial and meant only as a vehicle to get thoughts out of my head before the suffocate me. but the time between now and my last post has been awfully full of so many things... i'll do the best i can to catch you up, okay?

so i went back to arkansas at the end of february to handle all my biz and tie up the loose ends and put that baby to rest and use several cliches in one sentence. it was fabulous and it was awful and it was amazing and it was terrible. i must've had some good ju ju coming my way because it seemed as though, from the moment i got off the plane until the moment i re-boarded ten days later, pretty much everything went my way. before i went back i had these horrible thoughts that my apartment had been robbed or that i wouldn't be able to sell my car or that there wasn't enough time to pack and on and on and on. sometimes i have a little bit of a doomsday persona that allows my imagination to expect the worst possible scenarios at every turn. but my apartment looked the same, i got more than what i was hoping to get for my car, there was plenty of time to pack (and plenty of help, too), and so the only problem left with which to struggle was my severe, self-fulfilled, and i think well-earned emotional instability. i mean, after all the boxes were packed and the decisions were made, i couldn't get my head around the fact that THIS time would be the LAST time in a while that i would SEE her or LAUGH WITH him or get those hugs from THEM that i really really really really REALLY rely upon. my going away party was so much fun, and so bittersweet... if you were there, then you know. and if you weren't, i wish you were. a pregnant friend of mine left after a couple of hours, and i understood. i mean, we were in a bar. another friend, a new mommy, left soon after, and i understood. i mean, she had TWO brand new babies at home. but then another friend left (she had to work early the next day and i totally did not blame her for going)... and that's when i kind of lost it. it really started sinking in that everyone was going home. and it wasn't a "see you later" kind of situation. it was more like a "things won't be the same anymore" kind of situation. and maybe i cried a little. maybe.

***does that make me sound like a brat? i didn't cry because everyone, at some point, went home. i mean, i wasn't stomping my feet like a little kid in an IT'S MY PARTY kind of fashion. i was just upset because going home meant i had to go, too. are we on the same page here? 'cause i re-read those last few sentences and i definitely sound like a little shit. just wanted to clear that up. as you were.***

i filled up all of my time in arkansas with my own business, and i would have much preferred being in the company of all the people that i had to leave. everyone had such a different reaction those last few days... but the three that stick out are the three that count the most. megan, of course, cried like a baby. and i cried with her. we stood in the parking lot of my apartment complex and hugged and kissed and sobbed and laughed and i'm tearing up now just remembering it. that was not easy. tatum didn't let me shed one single tear, and i can always count on her for that. she's my chin up friend, the one who won't ever let any goodbye be final. i need that, and she fills that need. and kat let a few tears fall, some of hers, some of mine. and then we dried it up and promised to see each other soon. and we will, 'cause that's how we roll.

so now i'm here. and i am absoLUTEly having trouble adjusting. not to the weather (ha! this place is gorgeous), not to the traffic (it's really not as bad as people act like it is), and not to spending so much time with scott (although that has had its ups and downs so far). no, i'm having trouble adjusting to being away from all of you. i don't have a job. i don't have a car. i don't have any friends that are mine alone. all i have is him, which is enough... most days. :) i know it will all even out once i'm employed and making new friends and doing things for myself, but sometimes i just want to have girls' night and watch antm. i just want to drive 45 minutes to see my sister for the night. i just want to catch up on the dvr on my old couch. ugh. wah wah wah. ;)

oh good lord enough of all of that. today, april first, was supposed to be the day i moved here. crazy, right? and, even though the previous paragraph would have you believing differently, i'm really doing well. IT IS ALWAYS SUNNY HERE! and i get to see scott every day! EVERY DAY! and i haven't had to go to work in two months! i'm excited about what comes next, and everything after that, too. :)

much love from los angeles. i miss you like you wouldn't believe, but i wouldn't change anything about what i have now, not for one second. xoxo

so here's what happened

i am currently in los angeles, california and not in little rock, arkansas, which is where i am technically supposed to be right now. a multitude of events lead me to this point and they are as follows: we left in plenty of time for me to get to the airport on monday afternoon. however, the SUPERBOWL CHAMPION SAINTS were landing at roughly the same time we were making our trek, and since everyone in new orleans had black and gold fever, the traffic was BA-noodles, as the entire city came to the airport to see the players land. by the time i got to the check-in counter, i had missed my flight. i NEVER miss a flight by my own accord, and so this was frustrating to say the least. while i was trying to figure out my next move, i called my sweet kathleen aka my ride home on the other side to tell her that i was most definitely going to be late. she informed me that the 20% chance of maybe a little bit of snow that was forecasted for the little rock area late monday night had instead become a 100% chance of some pretty serious snow that showed up early instead. i don't even know if it was sunday or monday when it happened, all i know is that she emailed me a picture of the winter wonderland, and i knew then that, missed flight or no, i wasn't getting home monday regardless. so scott takes a deep breath and says, "why don't we both just stay the night in new orleans, and go to l.a. tomorrow?" well, i can think of a million reasons why not! i still have so much to do! i'm supposed to go back to work! my apartment is a mess! and that dvr is chalk full of important things that i really want to see! but i didn't care about any of that in that moment. i just said, "hell YES. let's do it!!!" so here i am, sitting on scott's couch, vacillating between thinking that this decision is completely irresponsible, and thinking this decision isn't so much a decision as an acceleration on an already-made plan. i've already talked to my parents several times, i talked to my boss, and i'm checking things off a list that must must MUST be taken care of. i clearly am i coming back; all i have with me is a weekend bag and i still have to deal with my car and my apartment and a myriad of other things. i think it'll be the weekend i was planning on having my bye-bye party so, for now, that plan is still in effect. until there is more news, i can just tell you that today's forecast is looking like a few teardrops, a ton of phone calls, some rest, perhaps a small panic attack and maybe some affirmation from friends in the form of "this was a good idea" comments? i don't know about that last part... you tell me.

focus is not my forte

the following things are NOT on my mind twenty four hours a day:

• getting out of my lease
• selling my car
• getting rid of all my furniture
• my rapidly dwindling cash flow
• my funny shape and its sore-thumb future in california
• pesky taxes
• too many bye byes to count

my blood pressure is high, but so is my confidence... for a few minutes each day. :) SIGH. reminder for self: you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you. aaaaand REPEAT.

off to new orleans for the weekend. if you're lucky, you'll see a picture of me all dolled up for the mardi gras ball. i know, i know, you're waiting with baited breath.

enjoy your weekend, loverbugs. xox

i feel you, bro

so, today i really wanted to blog about what a big weenie i was being yesterday. i really wanted to tell you that i feel a ton better and that it's just one those funks i hate but am sadly prone to. i really wanted to express how i'm tough stuff and that yesterday's post was just a momentary glich in an otherwise smoothly-running system. i really wanted all of that.

instead, the hits just keep on coming. after giving my boss roughly seven weeks notice that i planned to leave this job, this city, this state, he informed me today that he won't be needing my services that long, and starting tomorrow i'm training someone to replace me. he wouldn't give me a definitive end date on my employment, but if it's more than another three weeks i'll be amazed. i guess it's true; no good deed goes unpunished, huh? now, this news clearly has several effects on me, as i'm sure it would on anyone. let's discuss what this means, shall we:

• my first instict was to say "fuck it" and roll out. i don't need this shit. but i didn't do that. awww, lookey there. baby's growing up. :)
• i kind of sort of saw this coming yesterday and i'm not at ALL ashamed to tell you that i called my mommy and shed some sad little tear droplets. i'm certainly not sad to be leaving this job (jesus i have been waiting and waiting), but because i have lost control of how it's happening.
• i guess i'm gonna be down a paycheck and a half. awesome? no. not even kind of.
• work should be SUPER fun for the next little while.
• there really should be a special font for when one is being sarcastic. see above.

so check it, i'll still be here until march 7th(ish). i'll be damned if i'm going to let today's events spoil an otherwise rockin' plan to have a going-away party on the 6th. (uh, still no details on that, by the way. could we just go to a bar and play some darts or something? will you still come if it's low-key?) the goodbye "chores" i've been dragging my feet on have hit a sudden acceleration, but i've been extremely productive under pressure before, so this shouldn't break me. i'm developing a financial plan that should ensure my head is above water (and hopefully my shoulders too, and maybe even part of my torso) for the duration, so even though i'll be eating a lot of ramen and tuna fish, i'll be fine. and imagine all the gas money i'll save not driving to this fucking office every day! (seriously, i need a sarcasm font. i'm going to develop one soon.)

i'm all jumbledy, i know, but i guess my point is that i'm trying to keep my chin up. it's fine. i'm fine. that storm trooper and i are a little down in the dumps about our jobs getting blowed up, but really, we'll both be fine. i'm going to go home and drink a bottle of wine whilst formulating THE PLAN further. stay tuned. xox

head games

my real self has taken a short hiatus and left in her place a pale comparison. and in this new person's skin, i am feeling anxious, poor, unattractive, lazy, boring, hyper-emotional, and disconnected. clearly, i am none of these things. well, except poor and i guess kind of lazy. and anxious sometimes... okay whatever. maybe i am some of these things some of the time but i am certainly not all of these things all of the time. i'm not doing things like i normally do. i'm avoiding calls. i'm crying some days. i'm really really really stressed out and not that psyched to admit it but sure that i'll explode if i don't. all of this, i'm sure, centers around the fact that i'm saying goodbye to most of what i know to be familiar in approximately six weeks. i'm leaving it for something different, something i'm sure is better for me in some ways and worse for me in others. and, in typical me fashion, i've left all the work for the last minute. there is no point to any of this, and i expect no sympathy or sweetness from anyone. because this feeling, i'm sure, is temporary, and in less than two months none of what is bothering me now will bother me any further. not the concrete concerns, anyway. just needed to write it down, you know?

done and done

i told them.

i told them today.

i told them today that i'm rolling out.

it's all over but the crying.

but that's just an expression,

'cause i sure as shit won't be crying.

six weeks until wheels up...

i'm a complete mess of

excited and scared and nervous and calm

and a plethora of other emotions.

but, suffice it to say,

the countdown begins today.

hold onto your hat.

i'm mostly talking to me on that one.

looking back, looking forward

i've been inspired. i'm not blogging that much anymore, and that's mainly because i always feel like i'm complaining. like, when i'm having fun or have good news to share, i usually want to be on the phone and don't ever considering writing anything down. but when i'm in a shitty mood and need to get something off my chest, that's when my brain chooses to remember that i have a blog and i definitely use it in those situations. so someone reading this might go back through these posts and think, "good god that is the saddest / meanest / most worried girl on the planet." not true... i don't think... and so in a fun change of pace, as aforementioned, i've been inspired by lady gray to blog something positive. what a nice change for me. :)

without further ado, i present the top five greatest things about my life in 2009:

5. getting my own place again. man, oh man, did i miss living alone. don't get me wrong, i loved living with tater bug, but baby needs her space. and now that i have it back, i'm not at all excited about eventually having to give it up ('cause i will eventually... sigh).
4. re-connecting with old friends. the internets were very, very good to me in 2009. the twitters and the facebook and all that jazz let me virtually hold the hands of people i have missed oh so much. quite thankful for this one indeed.
3. all the travelling! goodness i feel like i've been on planes or in hotels as much as i've been in my own house last year. this will be slowing up significantly in 2010, for all the right reasons. (winkety wink!)
2. babies, babies, babies! i've been so blessed to have the opportunity to watch close friends find out babies are on the way, have babies, raise babies. seeing my friends as mommies is amazing and awe-inspiring and they make me incredibly optimistic and more calm about the time in my life when i am in the same boat.
1. scott. yeah yeah, i said it. shut up. :)

as far as resolutions go for the new year, i'm so bad at keeping specific ones like "stop biting nails" and "drink less beers" that i will just make one big, broad, sweeping resolution that i will more than likely just make every year from now on:

be nicer to self. take better care of self. put self first. and once self is steady, dole out more hugs and kisses to important other selves.

happy 2010, friends. love you all so much. :)