exposed vulnerabilities

sometimes, when i am in a relationship, i become certifiably insane. and this time is no different, not in that regard. but the complications added this time, the distance and the feeling, make me feel like perhaps i am ready to be fitted for a straight jacket. if he was here, if i was there, if i didn't think about him the way that i do, if i didn't wonder if maybe... then i could keep the crazy at bay, let it out in little spurts. but these days it seems that this particular brand of bananas can't sit on the shelf for any extended period of time. it crops up almost daily. and it's nerve-wracking. i am a girl who's used to solving problems with hugs and kisses (you know, after i've done some yelling and stomping of the feet), and forcing me to use my words (even though it seems i have them all at my disposal) can backfire. i don't say what i mean, or i don't say enough (shocking, right?), or when i get all of what i want to say out i feel foolish for having been bothered by whatever behavior it was in the first place. since we are so far away, i spend too much time rolling over situations in my head and wondering whether i am pissed off or if i am merely annoyed. and i can't help but wonder if it would be any different if we could hug it out when we need to. or, more accurately, when i need to. and he's really great, maybe the greatest (don't you dare tell him i said that). but he drives me crazy. or is it me that's driving me crazy? i just need some contact. more than what i'm getting, you know? real skin to skin. but even if i had it, would all of this nuts-o behavior disappear? when do you let it go? when do you relax? when do you give the guy a break (because of course he deserves it)? when do you settle into it and stop panicking every time something doesn't go the way it's supposed to, or the way you imagine it's supposed to? i'm not sure there are any answers. besides maybe deep breaths. and vodka. ;)