i feel you, bro

so, today i really wanted to blog about what a big weenie i was being yesterday. i really wanted to tell you that i feel a ton better and that it's just one those funks i hate but am sadly prone to. i really wanted to express how i'm tough stuff and that yesterday's post was just a momentary glich in an otherwise smoothly-running system. i really wanted all of that.

instead, the hits just keep on coming. after giving my boss roughly seven weeks notice that i planned to leave this job, this city, this state, he informed me today that he won't be needing my services that long, and starting tomorrow i'm training someone to replace me. he wouldn't give me a definitive end date on my employment, but if it's more than another three weeks i'll be amazed. i guess it's true; no good deed goes unpunished, huh? now, this news clearly has several effects on me, as i'm sure it would on anyone. let's discuss what this means, shall we:

• my first instict was to say "fuck it" and roll out. i don't need this shit. but i didn't do that. awww, lookey there. baby's growing up. :)
• i kind of sort of saw this coming yesterday and i'm not at ALL ashamed to tell you that i called my mommy and shed some sad little tear droplets. i'm certainly not sad to be leaving this job (jesus i have been waiting and waiting), but because i have lost control of how it's happening.
• i guess i'm gonna be down a paycheck and a half. awesome? no. not even kind of.
• work should be SUPER fun for the next little while.
• there really should be a special font for when one is being sarcastic. see above.

so check it, i'll still be here until march 7th(ish). i'll be damned if i'm going to let today's events spoil an otherwise rockin' plan to have a going-away party on the 6th. (uh, still no details on that, by the way. could we just go to a bar and play some darts or something? will you still come if it's low-key?) the goodbye "chores" i've been dragging my feet on have hit a sudden acceleration, but i've been extremely productive under pressure before, so this shouldn't break me. i'm developing a financial plan that should ensure my head is above water (and hopefully my shoulders too, and maybe even part of my torso) for the duration, so even though i'll be eating a lot of ramen and tuna fish, i'll be fine. and imagine all the gas money i'll save not driving to this fucking office every day! (seriously, i need a sarcasm font. i'm going to develop one soon.)

i'm all jumbledy, i know, but i guess my point is that i'm trying to keep my chin up. it's fine. i'm fine. that storm trooper and i are a little down in the dumps about our jobs getting blowed up, but really, we'll both be fine. i'm going to go home and drink a bottle of wine whilst formulating THE PLAN further. stay tuned. xox

head games

my real self has taken a short hiatus and left in her place a pale comparison. and in this new person's skin, i am feeling anxious, poor, unattractive, lazy, boring, hyper-emotional, and disconnected. clearly, i am none of these things. well, except poor and i guess kind of lazy. and anxious sometimes... okay whatever. maybe i am some of these things some of the time but i am certainly not all of these things all of the time. i'm not doing things like i normally do. i'm avoiding calls. i'm crying some days. i'm really really really stressed out and not that psyched to admit it but sure that i'll explode if i don't. all of this, i'm sure, centers around the fact that i'm saying goodbye to most of what i know to be familiar in approximately six weeks. i'm leaving it for something different, something i'm sure is better for me in some ways and worse for me in others. and, in typical me fashion, i've left all the work for the last minute. there is no point to any of this, and i expect no sympathy or sweetness from anyone. because this feeling, i'm sure, is temporary, and in less than two months none of what is bothering me now will bother me any further. not the concrete concerns, anyway. just needed to write it down, you know?

done and done

i told them.

i told them today.

i told them today that i'm rolling out.

it's all over but the crying.

but that's just an expression,

'cause i sure as shit won't be crying.

six weeks until wheels up...

i'm a complete mess of

excited and scared and nervous and calm

and a plethora of other emotions.

but, suffice it to say,

the countdown begins today.

hold onto your hat.

i'm mostly talking to me on that one.

looking back, looking forward

i've been inspired. i'm not blogging that much anymore, and that's mainly because i always feel like i'm complaining. like, when i'm having fun or have good news to share, i usually want to be on the phone and don't ever considering writing anything down. but when i'm in a shitty mood and need to get something off my chest, that's when my brain chooses to remember that i have a blog and i definitely use it in those situations. so someone reading this might go back through these posts and think, "good god that is the saddest / meanest / most worried girl on the planet." not true... i don't think... and so in a fun change of pace, as aforementioned, i've been inspired by lady gray to blog something positive. what a nice change for me. :)

without further ado, i present the top five greatest things about my life in 2009:

5. getting my own place again. man, oh man, did i miss living alone. don't get me wrong, i loved living with tater bug, but baby needs her space. and now that i have it back, i'm not at all excited about eventually having to give it up ('cause i will eventually... sigh).
4. re-connecting with old friends. the internets were very, very good to me in 2009. the twitters and the facebook and all that jazz let me virtually hold the hands of people i have missed oh so much. quite thankful for this one indeed.
3. all the travelling! goodness i feel like i've been on planes or in hotels as much as i've been in my own house last year. this will be slowing up significantly in 2010, for all the right reasons. (winkety wink!)
2. babies, babies, babies! i've been so blessed to have the opportunity to watch close friends find out babies are on the way, have babies, raise babies. seeing my friends as mommies is amazing and awe-inspiring and they make me incredibly optimistic and more calm about the time in my life when i am in the same boat.
1. scott. yeah yeah, i said it. shut up. :)

as far as resolutions go for the new year, i'm so bad at keeping specific ones like "stop biting nails" and "drink less beers" that i will just make one big, broad, sweeping resolution that i will more than likely just make every year from now on:

be nicer to self. take better care of self. put self first. and once self is steady, dole out more hugs and kisses to important other selves.

happy 2010, friends. love you all so much. :)