the big day

this is a chest x-ray of a normal adult female. mine looks different. : ) according to dr. lee, i'm at 65% lung capacity. and i talk a lot. can you imagine how much more of this you'd have to listen to if i was at 100%? : ) the biopsy is tomorrow at 6am. the doctor is going to stick a tube in my nose and scrape some tissue from my windpipe. and then if he can't get the tissue he needs from there, then next week i have to go in so he can STICK A NEEDLE in my chest, going through my rib cage and my lung, in order to get the sample. good lord let's hope it doesn't come to that. : ) my doctor said, "don't worry; i have 80-year-olds who've done this more than once." yeah, well, i've never done it. kind of a different story with someone who's never even broken a bone (i'm not counting the pinky toe incident). i'm scared. and maybe just a little embarrassed to admit how badly this has shaken me up. well, that's about it. i'll catch you guys on the flip flop. and if you're lucky, i'll call you when i'm all doped up. hollaaaaaa. xox
p.s. back off---the excess smiley faces make me feel better. : ) : ) : ) : ) : )

c'mon get happy

bad news: it's rainy. i'm crabby. my consultation for the biopsy is this afternoon. i had to work late last night. i'm at work early today. this trend will most likely continue. creepy fax guy is trying to buy my prescriptions from me and it makes me want to punch him in the face. my hair will not cooperate. i'm hungry and i forgot my breakfast.
good news: i filled up my car last night for $2.99 a gallon. who in the world would've guessed that would be good news? it's payday. coffee suppresses hunger. i'm going to get a cup now.
how is everyone else?

now i'm back to boring

the above photo is my boy mike and his bomb-ass girlfriend meggie who are in town for the night and chilling at the house with us. i have known/adored mike for years and his girlfriend is quickly becoming my new favorite person.
this is the second three-day weekend this month and i am jazzed up about it. i have no plans but to drink and sleep and reeeeelax until tuesday. i definitely needed a long weekend for sure. : )
so wednesday afternoon is my appointment with the pulmonologist (is that the right word?). i guess they have to take the tissue off my lungs, so i have a consultation this week and then the biopsy probably the next week. yikes. i just want to be done with it. : ) as if it wasn't bad enough, i apparently have had some minor allergic reaction to one of the numerous pills they've had me take and i now have small but distinct areas on my face that look like hives. AWESOME.
i guess i don't have too much to say today, except thanks. thanks to you guys for all the good vibes. thanks to the government for paid days off. and thanks to jesus for miller light, sunshine, and coma-like sleep.

it's been a minute

... but i've got a really good excuse for not blogging. : ) so, i know i've done quite a bit of bitching about certain days being the worst days ever. oh work sucks oh i have a headache oh i'm in a bad mood. i'm good at whining for sure. : ) but monday was actually, quite literally, the worst day ever. let's rewind for a second to last week. i started having this very sharp pain in my upper back when i would cough or sneeze, right? so monday morning when i woke up the pain was constant and exCRUciating so i called my doctor to make an appointment. he did a lot of poking and prodding and the usual doctor stuff, but he couldn't really figure out what was up with me so he sent me to the radiology clinic at conway regional to get a chest ct done. at this point, i was nervous. i've never been to a hospital for myself before. and i'm not ashamed at all to say i was shaking like a gd leaf the whole time i was there. as i left the clinic they told me that i didn't have a blood clot (that's what they were looking for?!?) but that i needed to go back to my doctor's office. so i went back to see dr. martin all excited that nothing was really wrong. but when i got there, he told me that the cat scan showed some inflammed lymph nodes in my lungs. i thought those things were on your neck. anyhow, he said there was no way to tell yet what the problem was, but that it could be as simple an issue as an inflammation or a mild infection. but he also threw out some pretty scary possibilities of other things this might mean. and by "scary possibilities" i mean lymphoma (he said more than that but that's the one that stuck in my head). so i had to go to st. vincent's this morning for a more thorough (read: head to kneecaps) cat scan to see if what's in my lungs is also in my abdomen and pelvis. and when i get the results back from that the doctor will know where to take the tissue from in order to do a biopsy and figure out what the FUCK is going on here. pardon the language, please. so here's what's up now: monday was a nightmare. i cannot remember a time ever EVER that i have been so scared in my life. and, of course, i was by myself. who takes someone to the doctor with them when all they're expecting is a prescription? i spent tuesday in mountain home with my dad, trying to calm down and giving my sweet little meg-pie and my darling ho ho big hugs and kisses (okay and i cried a little too). now i'm just waiting for this scan to come back. and hopefully tomorrow my doctor will be able to tell me whether he can extract the tissue they need for the biopsy from my abdomen with a needle, or if i'll have to go back to the hospital so they can stick a tube down my throat and scrape some tissue off my lungs. right now, i have no idea what's wrong with me. like the good man said, it could be minor, and it could be more. so i guess what i'm saying is that maybe keep your fingers crossed. and think happy thoughts. and i guess that's that for now. :)

jaslene won!!!

okay, so i always give big mike a hard time for blogging about lost since i don't watch it and it makes his posts mean nothing to me, but i can't NOT write about ANTM today, especially since i've been waiting all season for jaslene to win. and guess what? SHE FREAKING WON! oh man. good show last night. for starters, renee got third place because she "looks old." i don't think she looks any older than me... and i know i don't look old... anyhow so it's down to the russian and my girl and tyra had me there for a second. i really thought natasha was going to take it home. but with lines like, "if natasha wins this, i'ma pull out all her hair" and "no, i'm not the girl next door. i'm the girl down the block in your hood," how could anyone but jaslene win? plus she looks hot on the runway. plus she's just precious. plus, i'm so proud it's almost like i gave birth to her. the only downside is that it shouldn't matter either way for me, you know? i mean when was the last time we saw a winner appear in anything but like 2 covergirl ads and make a guest appearance on a future cycle? i shouldn't care this much. but i do care. and perhaps (no, almost certainly) that makes me ridiculous, but i slept easier last night knowing that jaslene took home the crown. BIG SIGH. now there'll be no more ANTM until september. what in the world will i do?

isn't she looooovely?

isn't she wonnnnn-derrrr-fullllllll? yes, stevie, she is. baby girl got a haircut. a MAJOR one. and she looks absolutely adorable! if i could rock short hair, believe me i would. but i do not have my sister's round face and perfect little features. she looks Precious with a capital P. and i don't really use capital letters so the previous sentence shows you how serious i am. in other news i am starving and it's t minus 17 minutes and counting until lunch time. also, tomorrow is the season finale of ANTM and oh GOOD GRACIOUS i am on pins and needles. bring it home, jaslene. or renee. as long as the russian goes home empty-handed, i'm good. okay, now it's only 16 minutes. colton's here i come.

for my mommy

i can only hope to be as beautiful, strong, funny, talented, and amazing as she is.

kanye knows what i'm talking about. this is my favorite part of his song, "hey mama":

"hey mama, i wanna scream so loud for you, cause i'm so proud of you. let me tell you what i'm 'bout to do, hey mama. i know i act a fool but i promise you i'm going back to school. i appreciate what you allow for me. i just want you to be proud of me. forrest gump mama said life is like a box of chocolates. my mama told me, "go to school, get your doctorate. somethin' to fall back on, you could profit with," but still supported me when i did the opposite. now i feel like there's things i gotta get, things i gotta do, just to prove to you that you was getting through. can the choir please give me a verse of "you are so beautiful to me?" can't you see, you're like a book of poetry. maya angelou, nikki giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy. c'mon mama just dance with me. let the whole world see your dancing feet. now when i say hey, y'all say mama and everybody answer me."

mmmmm.... i loves you the mostest mama. beso beso beso and happy mother's day.

soy cansado y'all

oh good lord i'm exhausted. i have been hauling balls at the thankless office job all week. getting there an hour early, taking half hour lunch breaks, kicking total ass all day long. but guess what. i'm not 19 anymore. and i'm f*cking tired. excuse the language.
announcements:
a) tomorrow is my beautiful sister lisa diane's birthday. big ups, hot stuff.
b) friday night travs game at the new stadium. free food what what. i'll probably be drinking pretty heavily because 1) i deserve it and 2) baby ain't drivin.
c) i missed grey's tonight. two weeks in a row. dammit.
d) saturday there's an ANTM marathon on VH1. so you know where i'll be if you need me.
e) i don't get paid until tuesday. dammit again.
f) i should probably mention lisa's birthday again as i loooove birthdays and i loooove my sister. i wish she lived closer because then you would know.
g) it's night night time on the real.
holla back.

hellooooo summer!

okay, office job, the hourly wage you offer is only just enough to keep me sitting here at this cubicle rather than be outside on this GORGEOUS day. may is here and i've got the flip-flop tan to prove it. yum yum yum we love us some warm weather. sadly, my house has no central air. yikes. my room is a bit like a sauna right now, but i don't think that's anything that a soon-to-be-purchased window unit and maybe a box fan can't fix, right?
i had a lovely three-day weekend which consisted of seeing the crew at my old office in mtn. home (and realizing that i really only miss like 4 of them) and getting a new cell phone. hooray! that piece i was rockin' was like 5 years old and i painted it red with nail polish. it was pretty ghetto, but i kind of miss it. my new one's a little too fancy. baby's a simple girl. the new features make me somewhat nervous.
ugh, back to monday. double the work (this is the only downside to three-day weekends) and two people out sick. COME ON. i may be here until dark. damn.
ramble ramble ramble i just got some sunshine on my lunch break and it's making me goofy. probably picked the worst time ever to try to make a coherent post, yeah?

rain rhymes with pain

good gravy enough with the rain already. i'm about to make a 2 1/2 hour drive in this crap and i'm here to say i've had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH. nataliedee.com knows what i'm talking about.

in other news, my girl jessica is leaving on a jet plane. actually i think she's flying U.S. air. i'm not sure. anyhow, she takes off for alaska this weekend for the whole summer to study birds and party her ass off. i'll miss you big time, j-tower. when you get back in august we're going on a week-long bender. no i am not kidding.

in other other news, tomorrow is kat's birthday! you know my stance on birthdays. and this is no exception. i am jealous jealous jealous and greeeeeen with envy that she is celebrating in the sunshine state. happy 2-6 kat! you're an all-star, sister. give the beach some love from me.

okay, i guess that's pretty much it. melissa.... out.

crybaby (not starring johnny depp)

so i'm a crier. big time. i cry when i am too full of whatever to keep it all in. it's not always sad; i cry when i'm too happy or too frustrated or too excited or too moved or too overwhelmed or too whatever. when it's too too much, my eyes well up. and i try not to feel guilty about being tear-prone, because we've all got vices. some people run to clear their heads, some people throw themselves into work to avoid dealing with stuff. i just let emotion hit me like a freight train and cry it out. it shouldn't make me feel dumb, but it definitely does. in recent history, however, i've been able to curb this tendency. all in all, things with me have been great and i'm trying really hard to think when i've been truly this satisfied and centered in my whole life. so no tears in months (no bad ones anyway). but all of that came tumbling down last night and this kid's ugly cry face (bless her little heart) had nothing on me. it all started with my stupid car yesterday morning and just went downhill from there. the whole day was marked to be shitty, and in that respect, monday did not disappoint. mama had a day, kids. so i finally got home at around 8:30, i changed into my pj's, i sat down on my bed, and yes, i cried like a little girl with a skinned knee. it was strangely therapuetic and completely cathartic. and even though things were really not any different after i stopped, i remembered how nice it feels to just have a little meltdown and quit trying to be so damn stoic when i feel like crap. after i dried it up, i slept like a baby (the two or three PBRs i had may have assisted in the log-like sleep) and i really feel so much better today, even though my eyelids were extremely puffy this morning. : ) so, criers unite. there's no need to be ashamed in allowing yourself a little episode when it is truly needed. my name is melissa, and i'm a cry-aholic. (now you all say, "hi, melissa.")
p.s. (i am a huge fan of parentheses.)