ANTM is toNIGHT, bitches

oh my goodness... tonight is the two-hour season premiere of america's next top model. oh, baby's excited. tyra, you can bring allllll the trashiness you want, because I. CAN. HANDLE. IT. i hope there are some crazies in the running for the title this year, because in seasons past (excuse me, cycles past) it's been the nuts-o girls that have made the show truly delicious entertainment. the only thing that would make tonight better is if my sweet little meg was here to watch it with me. in other news, my f-ing car is at the firestone just down the street from my fluorescent hell, getting not 3, not 4, but $500 worth of repairs made to it. you know, when i lived in mountain home and had a mechanic on whom i could truly depend, the malibu gave me no trouble. we always got along, sugar and i. and then i move. and then sugar starts having issues. and now i'm getting SERIOUSLY jacked on the money it's costing to fix said issues. *sigh* good times at trivia bowl last night. boy, did i drastically overestimate my skills. i was of no use to my team at all. no matter, i bought the cheesy dip. that counts for something, yeah?

a rooster in the hen house

i'm not gonna lie. there is a full on creepy old man that works in my office. ick. yucky to the max. he has never said or done anything to offend me outright, but i just get the heebie jeebies, you know? pretty much everything about him screams, "i am a grosso and it is my job to make you shudder at the mere sound of my voice." i probably shouldn't be so judgemental since i haven't given the guy a chance to be nice to me AT ALL. as a matter of fact, people have commented before on my tendency to either love or despise people within 2 minutes of meeting them. but it's hard to quit judging right off the bat when i am ALWAYS RIGHT. you just get a good vibe or a bad one, as far as i'm concered. and creepy fax guy at work definitely gives off a b-a-d v-i-b-e. like a million of them. if we have to have a boy in our otherwise entirely female workplace, why oh why can't it be bradley cooper? xox times infinity, b-list actor.

i guess it's too late

*sigh* yes, we went to the saucer again last night. and yes, i had too much to drink (hard to believe, i know). and yes, more foolishness from melissa haney, the taker of all dares. i was kind of in a funk when we left for the rock last night. i wasn't sure how the night was going to turn out. but, as predicted, people showed up, waitresses brought beer, and times were good. but that's not what all of this is about. i'm walking downstairs to play some pool (i think we've already covered that pool-playing is really my only talent in life) and i ran into a guy i went to college with who said more people i went to college with were downstairs. so i get down there and, lo and behold, a group of people i haven't seen or heard from in like four years. and there HE was, this boy who consumed my every thought back in those days. we literally spent most every waking second together back then, but always just as friends. he was just standing there. and he looked totally the same, but a little more grown-up. my hands were literally shaking. i'm telling you, when i was going to school with him, i was sure that i was in love. and i always wondered... and i think he may have wondered too... so, happy coincidence, yeah? actually, no. because everyone was there celebrating his forthcoming wedding. his wedding that is taking place today. which is probably happening right now. and he's marrying someone. maybe right this second. talk about a kick in the teeth. i still can't really wrap my head around it. has anything like that ever happened to you? i couldn't stop going over and over it in my head the rest of the night.

okay, so i realize this has no bearing on anyone reading this, so i won't be disappointed if no one comments despite my usual comment-whore-ness. but wow. i can't believe i ran into him after all this time. and on the NIGHT before his WEDDING. what should i make of that?

i'll get better at this i swear

colleen t. haney--- the "t" stands for "tenacious."

that's a pretty steep hill... all i need now is an inner tube.

we missed the parade last night in capital city, but believe it or not, no one died of boredom. *quick question--- will we ever go anywhere but the saucer? seriously?* so i'm a pool shark. no, really. i kick total ass at pool. actually, i'm thinking of making "billiards ass kicker" my full-time job. does anyone know where i can get some business cards made up? meanwhile, in the great state of new york, the lady up there next to some weird mardi gras sideshow act (isn't my mama purdy? mmm... we loves her to infinity and BEYOND) just bought a new house! there's a picture up there somewhere if i did this right... multiple pics on one post... must be a manual around here somewhere... anyhow, congrats to mi madre on the new abode. let's make sure the guest room's nice and toasty when i get there. baby gets cold real easy-like.

happy fat tuesday

ah, lent. lent scares me. my roommates and i were trying to decide last night what to give up for forty WHOLE days (it's forty, yeah?). as i was running through a mental list of all my varied, ridiculous vices, i couldn't think of one i really wanted to give up. what does that say? that i like being a mess? that i am incapable of a challenge? maybe it just says i like the way i roll and i'm not even catholic so who really cares. anyhow, i am all about some celebrating so fat tuesday is a tradition i can get behind, religious affiliation aside. if anyone needs me i'll probably be nursing a beer before i even have dinner. how are you celebrating?

guess who's not as dumb as they look?

i'll give you one hint: it's me!!! i figured out how to put a picture on my blog! I AM A FREAKING GENIUS, NOT A DOUCHEBAG! hooray for melissa. hooray indeed. this is from last night, and that's me laughing out of control at my girl callie doing the patented melissa haney "wow face." it looks like two 3s and an open mouth, but it's much more than that.

this is how we do it

so a bunch of us went to the saucer last night and got, well, sauced. the ridiculous things that happened last night include, but are not limited to, the following (kat! check it out! i'm making a list!):
a) some strange guy was taking pics of our little group on his cell phone and tatum and i flipped out and got him officially ejected from a public place.
b) a man who was 100 years old if he was a day, clad in jeans and a women's size xs shirt, shook his ass all up around our table to varying degrees of discomfort before he, too, was asked to cool out.
c) the semi-talented, somewhat-attractive guitar player turned out to be a wookie. that's how tall he was. seriously, he was huge.
d) like an idiot, after many beers and at the insistence of my friends who wish i was a show pony, i wrote my name and phone number on a dollar and put it in the tip jar for said wishy-washy guitarist. (good god what was i thinking....)
e) we definitely got pulled over and slade definitely passed a breathlyzer (sp?) and we definitely all bow at the feet of karma.
f) said fool guitarist ended up calling. wow. UNbelievable.
g) i woke up this morning (it was barely still morning) like i wake up most saturdays: laughing my ass off because i had a f*cking BLAST last night. : )
this is my official shout out to everyone who came out last night---it was a riot and you guys are awesome. don't be a stranger now. peace.

wtf, cupid?

where's my sweetheart, you jackass? we're having potluck in the office today and the whole room smells like brownies. and all i had to bring was soda. yessssssssss. happy vd. hope none of you gets one.

jesus h. haney

my little tater tot turned 23 on saturday. she's growing up so damn fast. she and i watched the grammys (it's not grammies, is it?) together on sunday night and, being that it was the most boring awards show of all time, we decided to finally compile a list of things that have happened to us that belong in a movie to be written later. exhibit a: we recently agreed that work and school would go much more smoothly if the weekend was in the middle. you know, start work on wednesday. have saturday and sunday off as usual, and then go back to work for monday and tuesday. we had a plan. i was about to start a letter writing campaign. after about 2 full minutes we looked at each with the same realization: that's dumb because the week would still be structured exactly the same. i understand that this may be stupid-sounding, but believe you me, we were in tears we were laughing so hard. yikes. happy birthday for the whole month, little girl. you're awesome.

ode to my womb-mate

all right, meg, here's your post, hot stuff. my sister megan may be the coolest person on the whole damn planet (after me, of course). we've been sisters for a lot of years now, and i can't say that anyone else i've ever known could hold even a birthday candle to the notorious m.e.g.
dude, remember that room at that nasty holiday inn in orlando and no one spoke english and we couldn't stop crying? that's what i'm talking about. so, potential commenters, please show some love. she's the shit. and no one knows that more than me.

p.s. R.I.P. anna nicole. we hardly knew ye.

all my friends know the low rider

happy belated birthday to my roommate dusty!!! tater tot made him a chocolate cake with dinosaurs on it to celebrate. i plan to celebrate by finishing the cake while all my house mates are out of town. so, check it: it's girls' night and that included some skeezers (yeah, we finished it. do somethin.) and some beers. yummo. girls' night also included an entertaining, although slightly cryptic, epidode of grey's. what was up with that little girl? was she sent to seattle to kill meredith? oh please, oh please, oh please writers of hospital drama, make my dreams come true. kill off meredith and call it hot plastic surgeon's anatomy. iye iye iye for real! jenny and sarah, come back to little rock. right now. holla back.