check it, it's melissa

don't call it a comeback

2010-08-17T09:34:00.004-06:00

yo yo yo, it's update time! i hadn't even looked at my blog in so long... when i got here today i noticed that, for whatever reason, my template wasn't showing anymore, so i went back to the basic blogger style. i miss the green, but i kind of dig this one too. really though, you don't care about that, do you? nope, didn't think so.
i'm ALIVE and still in CALIFORNIA. that's the takeaway message for this post. :) i am, again, jobless, as my previous employer decided to close up shop. he cried when he told me, but he handed me a big fat check (that didn't bounce) so i didn't cry at all. so here i am again, home most of the day, wishing for employment but trying desperately to enjoy myself because i know these days won't last forever. plus, i've got some dolla dolla bills y'all so at least i don't feel completely dependent on scott.
as far as updating you on what's been going on here, i'm not sure i remember anything outstanding enough to discuss... scott and i are having a fantastic time being together all the time, and, some time ago, finally ironed out most of the "holy shit we see each other every day instead of every six weeks" wrinkles in our relationship, which now leaves room for all the fun shit we do: beer festivals, crawfish boils, x-games at the staples center, baseball games at angels stadium... there is TONS to do here, but, alas, most of it is so expensive that the coolest things end up being just a tease. the mlb allstar game is here?! SWEET! I WANNA GO! oh, the cheapest ticket is $150? eh, perhaps i'll just catch the highlights on espn. that kind of thing. :)
i got home sunday night from my first trip back to arkansas as a california resident. it was NOT easy to leave. i mean, besides the fucking weather (HOW DO YOU EVEN BREATHE THERE ON A DAILY BASIS GOOD GOD THAT HEAT IS STIFLING I'M AN OLD LADY AND BITCH ABOUT HUMIDITY EVERY CHANCE I GET), i had soooooo much fun and miss all of my sweet arkansas girls soooooo much. *sigh*
so, i guess, california's still alright by me. i need two things to really feel at home here: 1. a JOB (oh god i need a fucking job) and 2. a good girlfriend. i have a candidate in mind, but i think she might be a little too nice for me. she lives down the street and she is super awesome and fun to hang out with, but i have not heard her say one cuss word. ever. and that kind of makes me feel like i have to cut out my cuss words that i treasure so dearly. and to that i say, FUCK. but, regardless, at least she makes me feel like i have someone to talk to and i don't have to make scott my girlfriend. he is not a good girlfriend at all. :) so, basically what i'm saying is, i'm starting to make friends in the land of bitches and skanks, but if any of you gets a wild hair and wants to move here to be my buddy, i will make it worth your while in tap dances and hugs. anyone? anyone? okay, just think about it though. :)
so i suppose that's it for now. i have a PICTURE POST in mind for later in the week, but, as usual, don't hold your breath, 'cause i've been known to take brief hiatuses from blogging from time to time. ha ha. see what i did there? i downplayed my blogging suckitude. until next time, children. don't forget that auntie m loves you. :) xo

weekend win

2010-04-12T14:04:00.003-06:00

okay, i've (hopefully) done the last of my "woe is me" blogging. so i moved away. no big deal. you're fine, i'm fine, life goes on, yes? :)

california, so far, is EXCELLENT. there's always fun stuff to do, and i'm meeting new and fun people, and, although i am not yet employed (which is slowly making me nanners in the worst way), i'm keeping my head up. i am employable, and until i find something to do, i should enjoy the mini-vacation, yes? yes indeed!

the above picture is from a beer festival we went to on saturday evening. $40 per person, and you can literally have all the beer you can drink. no, seriously. they never ran out, and with our group, that was a very real possibility! :) that's scott behind me, and next to him is his coworker jeff and his brother-in-law chad, that's scott's sister, stephanie, in the sunglasses, and scott and stephanie's hair-dresser / friend / rad chick krista in the middle. there were beers EVERYWHERE and it was an awesome day.

yesterday was scott's birthday, and he had to go to work for a bit. BOO. my birthday plan was was to drink mimosas and lay on the couch together all day, since i knew we'd be hungover from the beer festival (plus we may have hit a couple of bars afterward... ooooopsyyyyy....). well, i got the hungover part right; neither of us was in good shape AT ALL yesterday morning. but getting called into work kinda ruined the other half. dammit. :)

okay, that's it. it's been a long time since i updated with just normal shit, just regular happenings. i hope i haven't lost my touch! xoxo

buckle up

2010-04-01T16:58:00.005-06:00

this post is going to take forever to type. and i don't have any pictures for you right now, so i'm offering this little disclaimer in case that makes you want to stop reading now. if it's pictures you're after, maybe check back next week? or next month? i don't know. you just won't get any today.

okay, now that we've handled that little bit of business, here we go:

SIGH. it's been forever since i updated, and normally that's not really an issue, because normally most of what i have to say is trivial and meant only as a vehicle to get thoughts out of my head before the suffocate me. but the time between now and my last post has been awfully full of so many things... i'll do the best i can to catch you up, okay?

so i went back to arkansas at the end of february to handle all my biz and tie up the loose ends and put that baby to rest and use several cliches in one sentence. it was fabulous and it was awful and it was amazing and it was terrible. i must've had some good ju ju coming my way because it seemed as though, from the moment i got off the plane until the moment i re-boarded ten days later, pretty much everything went my way. before i went back i had these horrible thoughts that my apartment had been robbed or that i wouldn't be able to sell my car or that there wasn't enough time to pack and on and on and on. sometimes i have a little bit of a doomsday persona that allows my imagination to expect the worst possible scenarios at every turn. but my apartment looked the same, i got more than what i was hoping to get for my car, there was plenty of time to pack (and plenty of help, too), and so the only problem left with which to struggle was my severe, self-fulfilled, and i think well-earned emotional instability. i mean, after all the boxes were packed and the decisions were made, i couldn't get my head around the fact that THIS time would be the LAST time in a while that i would SEE her or LAUGH WITH him or get those hugs from THEM that i really really really really REALLY rely upon. my going away party was so much fun, and so bittersweet... if you were there, then you know. and if you weren't, i wish you were. a pregnant friend of mine left after a couple of hours, and i understood. i mean, we were in a bar. another friend, a new mommy, left soon after, and i understood. i mean, she had TWO brand new babies at home. but then another friend left (she had to work early the next day and i totally did not blame her for going)... and that's when i kind of lost it. it really started sinking in that everyone was going home. and it wasn't a "see you later" kind of situation. it was more like a "things won't be the same anymore" kind of situation. and maybe i cried a little. maybe.

***does that make me sound like a brat? i didn't cry because everyone, at some point, went home. i mean, i wasn't stomping my feet like a little kid in an IT'S MY PARTY kind of fashion. i was just upset because going home meant i had to go, too. are we on the same page here? 'cause i re-read those last few sentences and i definitely sound like a little shit. just wanted to clear that up. as you were.***

i filled up all of my time in arkansas with my own business, and i would have much preferred being in the company of all the people that i had to leave. everyone had such a different reaction those last few days... but the three that stick out are the three that count the most. megan, of course, cried like a baby. and i cried with her. we stood in the parking lot of my apartment complex and hugged and kissed and sobbed and laughed and i'm tearing up now just remembering it. that was not easy. tatum didn't let me shed one single tear, and i can always count on her for that. she's my chin up friend, the one who won't ever let any goodbye be final. i need that, and she fills that need. and kat let a few tears fall, some of hers, some of mine. and then we dried it up and promised to see each other soon. and we will, 'cause that's how we roll.

so now i'm here. and i am absoLUTEly having trouble adjusting. not to the weather (ha! this place is gorgeous), not to the traffic (it's really not as bad as people act like it is), and not to spending so much time with scott (although that has had its ups and downs so far). no, i'm having trouble adjusting to being away from all of you. i don't have a job. i don't have a car. i don't have any friends that are mine alone. all i have is him, which is enough... most days. :) i know it will all even out once i'm employed and making new friends and doing things for myself, but sometimes i just want to have girls' night and watch antm. i just want to drive 45 minutes to see my sister for the night. i just want to catch up on the dvr on my old couch. ugh. wah wah wah. ;)

oh good lord enough of all of that. today, april first, was supposed to be the day i moved here. crazy, right? and, even though the previous paragraph would have you believing differently, i'm really doing well. IT IS ALWAYS SUNNY HERE! and i get to see scott every day! EVERY DAY! and i haven't had to go to work in two months! i'm excited about what comes next, and everything after that, too. :)

much love from los angeles. i miss you like you wouldn't believe, but i wouldn't change anything about what i have now, not for one second. xoxo

so here's what happened

2010-02-10T08:58:00.004-06:00

i am currently in los angeles, california and not in little rock, arkansas, which is where i am technically supposed to be right now. a multitude of events lead me to this point and they are as follows: we left in plenty of time for me to get to the airport on monday afternoon. however, the SUPERBOWL CHAMPION SAINTS were landing at roughly the same time we were making our trek, and since everyone in new orleans had black and gold fever, the traffic was BA-noodles, as the entire city came to the airport to see the players land. by the time i got to the check-in counter, i had missed my flight. i NEVER miss a flight by my own accord, and so this was frustrating to say the least. while i was trying to figure out my next move, i called my sweet kathleen aka my ride home on the other side to tell her that i was most definitely going to be late. she informed me that the 20% chance of maybe a little bit of snow that was forecasted for the little rock area late monday night had instead become a 100% chance of some pretty serious snow that showed up early instead. i don't even know if it was sunday or monday when it happened, all i know is that she emailed me a picture of the winter wonderland, and i knew then that, missed flight or no, i wasn't getting home monday regardless. so scott takes a deep breath and says, "why don't we both just stay the night in new orleans, and go to l.a. tomorrow?" well, i can think of a million reasons why not! i still have so much to do! i'm supposed to go back to work! my apartment is a mess! and that dvr is chalk full of important things that i really want to see! but i didn't care about any of that in that moment. i just said, "hell YES. let's do it!!!" so here i am, sitting on scott's couch, vacillating between thinking that this decision is completely irresponsible, and thinking this decision isn't so much a decision as an acceleration on an already-made plan. i've already talked to my parents several times, i talked to my boss, and i'm checking things off a list that must must MUST be taken care of. i clearly am i coming back; all i have with me is a weekend bag and i still have to deal with my car and my apartment and a myriad of other things. i think it'll be the weekend i was planning on having my bye-bye party so, for now, that plan is still in effect. until there is more news, i can just tell you that today's forecast is looking like a few teardrops, a ton of phone calls, some rest, perhaps a small panic attack and maybe some affirmation from friends in the form of "this was a good idea" comments? i don't know about that last part... you tell me.

focus is not my forte

2010-02-04T18:47:00.005-06:00

the following things are NOT on my mind twenty four hours a day:

getting out of my lease
selling my car
getting rid of all my furniture
my rapidly dwindling cash flow
my funny shape and its sore-thumb future in california
pesky taxes
too many bye byes to count

my blood pressure is high, but so is my confidence... for a few minutes each day. :) SIGH. reminder for self: you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you. aaaaand REPEAT.

off to new orleans for the weekend. if you're lucky, you'll see a picture of me all dolled up for the mardi gras ball. i know, i know, you're waiting with baited breath.

enjoy your weekend, loverbugs. xox

i feel you, bro

2010-01-27T14:31:00.003-06:00

so, today i really wanted to blog about what a big weenie i was being yesterday. i really wanted to tell you that i feel a ton better and that it's just one those funks i hate but am sadly prone to. i really wanted to express how i'm tough stuff and that yesterday's post was just a momentary glich in an otherwise smoothly-running system. i really wanted all of that.

instead, the hits just keep on coming. after giving my boss roughly seven weeks notice that i planned to leave this job, this city, this state, he informed me today that he won't be needing my services that long, and starting tomorrow i'm training someone to replace me. he wouldn't give me a definitive end date on my employment, but if it's more than another three weeks i'll be amazed. i guess it's true; no good deed goes unpunished, huh? now, this news clearly has several effects on me, as i'm sure it would on anyone. let's discuss what this means, shall we:

my first instict was to say "fuck it" and roll out. i don't need this shit. but i didn't do that. awww, lookey there. baby's growing up. :)
i kind of sort of saw this coming yesterday and i'm not at ALL ashamed to tell you that i called my mommy and shed some sad little tear droplets. i'm certainly not sad to be leaving this job (jesus i have been waiting and waiting), but because i have lost control of how it's happening.
i guess i'm gonna be down a paycheck and a half. awesome? no. not even kind of.
work should be SUPER fun for the next little while.
there really should be a special font for when one is being sarcastic. see above.

so check it, i'll still be here until march 7th(ish). i'll be damned if i'm going to let today's events spoil an otherwise rockin' plan to have a going-away party on the 6th. (uh, still no details on that, by the way. could we just go to a bar and play some darts or something? will you still come if it's low-key?) the goodbye "chores" i've been dragging my feet on have hit a sudden acceleration, but i've been extremely productive under pressure before, so this shouldn't break me. i'm developing a financial plan that should ensure my head is above water (and hopefully my shoulders too, and maybe even part of my torso) for the duration, so even though i'll be eating a lot of ramen and tuna fish, i'll be fine. and imagine all the gas money i'll save not driving to this fucking office every day! (seriously, i need a sarcasm font. i'm going to develop one soon.)

i'm all jumbledy, i know, but i guess my point is that i'm trying to keep my chin up. it's fine. i'm fine. that storm trooper and i are a little down in the dumps about our jobs getting blowed up, but really, we'll both be fine. i'm going to go home and drink a bottle of wine whilst formulating THE PLAN further. stay tuned. xox

head games

2010-01-26T13:02:00.003-06:00

my real self has taken a short hiatus and left in her place a pale comparison. and in this new person's skin, i am feeling anxious, poor, unattractive, lazy, boring, hyper-emotional, and disconnected. clearly, i am none of these things. well, except poor and i guess kind of lazy. and anxious sometimes... okay whatever. maybe i am some of these things some of the time but i am certainly not all of these things all of the time. i'm not doing things like i normally do. i'm avoiding calls. i'm crying some days. i'm really really really stressed out and not that psyched to admit it but sure that i'll explode if i don't. all of this, i'm sure, centers around the fact that i'm saying goodbye to most of what i know to be familiar in approximately six weeks. i'm leaving it for something different, something i'm sure is better for me in some ways and worse for me in others. and, in typical me fashion, i've left all the work for the last minute. there is no point to any of this, and i expect no sympathy or sweetness from anyone. because this feeling, i'm sure, is temporary, and in less than two months none of what is bothering me now will bother me any further. not the concrete concerns, anyway. just needed to write it down, you know?

done and done

2010-01-15T11:00:00.002-06:00

i told them.

i told them today.

i told them today that i'm rolling out.

it's all over but the crying.

but that's just an expression,

'cause i sure as shit won't be crying.

six weeks until wheels up...

i'm a complete mess of

excited and scared and nervous and calm

and a plethora of other emotions.

but, suffice it to say,

the countdown begins today.

hold onto your hat.

i'm mostly talking to me on that one.

looking back, looking forward

2010-01-04T10:40:00.003-06:00

i've been inspired. i'm not blogging that much anymore, and that's mainly because i always feel like i'm complaining. like, when i'm having fun or have good news to share, i usually want to be on the phone and don't ever considering writing anything down. but when i'm in a shitty mood and need to get something off my chest, that's when my brain chooses to remember that i have a blog and i definitely use it in those situations. so someone reading this might go back through these posts and think, "good god that is the saddest / meanest / most worried girl on the planet." not true... i don't think... and so in a fun change of pace, as aforementioned, i've been inspired by lady gray to blog something positive. what a nice change for me. :)

without further ado, i present the top five greatest things about my life in 2009:

5. getting my own place again. man, oh man, did i miss living alone. don't get me wrong, i loved living with tater bug, but baby needs her space. and now that i have it back, i'm not at all excited about eventually having to give it up ('cause i will eventually... sigh).
4. re-connecting with old friends. the internets were very, very good to me in 2009. the twitters and the facebook and all that jazz let me virtually hold the hands of people i have missed oh so much. quite thankful for this one indeed.
3. all the travelling! goodness i feel like i've been on planes or in hotels as much as i've been in my own house last year. this will be slowing up significantly in 2010, for all the right reasons. (winkety wink!)
2. babies, babies, babies! i've been so blessed to have the opportunity to watch close friends find out babies are on the way, have babies, raise babies. seeing my friends as mommies is amazing and awe-inspiring and they make me incredibly optimistic and more calm about the time in my life when i am in the same boat.
1. scott. yeah yeah, i said it. shut up. :)

as far as resolutions go for the new year, i'm so bad at keeping specific ones like "stop biting nails" and "drink less beers" that i will just make one big, broad, sweeping resolution that i will more than likely just make every year from now on:

be nicer to self. take better care of self. put self first. and once self is steady, dole out more hugs and kisses to important other selves.

happy 2010, friends. love you all so much. :)

cranky pants, party of one

2009-12-08T11:11:00.004-06:00

boo. i don't know if it's the weather or the season or the holidays or what, but jeezum crow i just CANNOT stay positive lately. i'm tired, i'm crabby, i'm stressed out, and i just really really really would like to snap the hell out of it. my weekend was super hectic and eventful in all the wrong ways, my job is increasingly tedious and unfulfilling, my apartment is a wreck, my skin is dry and pale, christmas is about five seconds away, and oh god, the rain rain rain and the cold cold cold. no amount of deep breathing or wishful thinking is negating the craaaaaaab inside of meeeeee. the good news is that what goes up must come down, and you know, vice versa. so i'll see you on the other side of this cranky-faced funk, friends. :) xo

predicament

2009-12-02T14:00:00.003-06:00

this week marks a year of me working with my company. and in lieu of cake and ice cream to celebrate (yeah, right... i work with all dudes over the age of 40... no one celebrates like i do), i'd like to ask for a raise. i don't get paid time off, i don't have a chance to earn overtime, and have not received an increase in pay since my first day. i'm sort of a bad ass around here, and i think i've earned a raise. the problem is, HOW THE HELL DO I ASK FOR A RAISE?! every scenario i imagine in my head makes come off sounding like an ingrate or a sniveling jerk. maybe it's because, deep down, i feel sort of like an asshole asking for a raise a mere three months before i say peace out to this place, but still. end date or no, i DO deserve a raise, right? i mean, it's been a year... right? help, friends. HELP. ayudame. how do i get more money for my (quasi) hard work? or should i just leave it alone?

because it's friday

2009-11-13T09:58:00.004-06:00

and because i can't stop looking at it, i present the most horrible / most awesome thing you have ever seen in your life, guaranteed. special thanks to jacob for posting this first. HILARIOUS, and sadly, an accurate representation of how the general public of our country sees the world. uh, you're welcome. ;)

por las mamas

2009-11-10T13:15:00.003-06:00

so, the biggest part of this story is that i just found out that my very good friend katie is PREGS and she's due in may, and there is no feasible way for me to be happier for her. i love her, and i love her husband, and they are going to be phenomenal parents. PHENOMENAL, and i'm sure of that. i am already over the moon about their little bundle of joy, and that is the take away message from this post, okay?

but, for your consideration, i submit the following and you tell me: is the most annoying thing ever or what?!

so i found out about sweet katie bug's bun in the oven in an email, from an ex-coworker of mine / current coworker of katie's. apparently, katie pie's broken the news in her office through an email with an attachment of the ultrasound photos. so i receive this email, FORWARDED, from said coworker and the only thing it says is, "did you know?" HELL NO I DIDN'T KNOW!!! so i immediately call katie and scream "are you pregnant?!" and once she verifies this information i start to cry and say how excited i am and congratulations and all of that mess and she's all emotional and i think it's for the same reason... but apparently she's emotional because she's so pissed off that she wants to kill this particular coworker. see, katie's plan was to make plans with me this weekend so that she could tell me in person, and coworker has ruined it. not only did i hear it from someone besides the mama-to-be herself, but i got the news in an email. katie's not pleased, and i can't blame her. i really should've thought about that before i called her, but I WAS SO STOKED that i just couldn't think straight, you know? surely you know.

anyhow, i guess my point is: tacky, right? forwarding an email with info like that? what if she wanted to surprise me personally (which she did)? what if she didn't want me to know? what if what if what if? help me out here, mamas, how pissed off would YOU be at this coworker?

incidentally, yes, i know i'm sort of doing the same tacky thing by telling you here, but you don't know her, right? so it's different. i think...

attention friends

2009-11-08T19:54:00.002-06:00

this is probably going to come across as very arrogant and self-involved, but i think you all know that i am those things a lot of the time, so i will say it anyway: i miss you. i want to spend time with you. before too long i will go and it will not be as easy to come over and split a bottle of wine, it will not be as easy to share a good hug, it will not be as easy to be friends. so we should soak up the easy while we've got it, shouldn't we? so, as of right this second, my free time is yours if you want it. see? arrogant. self-involved. but i love you, and i don't know how else to say it. xo

at the risk of being "that girl"

2009-11-05T10:28:00.003-06:00

i've got to tell you what happened, even though i don't want to be her... the girl who has nothing to talk about but her love life (i've always wanted to punch that girl in the face). but this is big news for me, so if i can now be inducted into the "that girl" club, so be it, i guess.

last night i'm on the phone with the dude and i'm telling him (again) that the only stressful part of THE BIG MOVE for me is knowing when IT will happen and all the logistics-related things leading up to IT. best as i can tell, once i touchdown in la la land, the sailing should be a bit smoother. so he suggests that i pick a date to move and we'll just go from there. so i do. april 1st. arbitrary, yes, but that's about the soonest i figure i can make it happen from my end, and the weather will be nice in both states so that's one less thing to worry about, right? he agreed, and if we were in the same place, i imagine we would've shaken hands so as to signify that we have a deal. fast forward to this morning: i come into work, bleary-eyed and half-awake, as usual. i get all settled and open my email and i have one from southwest airlines titled "ticketless flight confirmation" or something equally as important sounding. i open it, with furrowed eyebrows, because i haven't made a flight reservation lately and i'm guessing this is a surprise or a mistake.

it was the first. :)

it's a one-way ticket to los angeles, california, for the first of april, 2010, courtesy of scott.

so this is it. in just a little less than five months, there won't be any more guessing or speculating or talking about someday. i'll be living there, and not here. and i can't think about anything else this morning except my rad ass boyfriend, his sweet and much-appreciated gesture, and the myriad dollars i need to stow away between now and then.

HOLY FUCKING HELL.

that is all.

it's not that i hate pictures...

2009-11-04T10:43:00.004-06:00

...i just don't ever post them because i'm so bad at taking them and doubly bad at being in them. so there's that. and i will probably regret posting this one, but, fuck it. halloween. mario mackin' on princess peach (in a cardigan... who knew l.a. would be so damn cold that night? totally ruined the effect). neither of us remembers this photo being taken, and neither of us knows why it's of such poor quality. maybe someone took it with their phone? regardless, it must've been pretty late, because the man is shirtless, which i know for sure didn't happen before midnight (luigi took his shirt off, and scott is not a person to be outdone when it comes to nudity). and that mustache? yeah, he grew that himself, specifically for this occasion. this is probably not the best pictorial introduction to my sweetest sweetheart, but it occurred to me that he has yet to make a physical appearance on the ol' blog, and i figured why the hell not. cheers to drunken PDA, yes?

happy anniversary to me

2009-11-03T16:03:00.004-06:00

i lost two jobs in six months last year. it wasn't fun, but it seems like it's been forever ago. on the one-year anniversary of my losing the first, i was moving into my new apartment, and a bad memory was replaced. today is the one-year anniversary of losing the second, and although no momentous occasion occurs today to replace this date in infamy, i am boggled as to how much is different now than it was then. have you ever take those "real age" quizzes? there's a section devoted entirely to how quickly one's life changes and the stress those changes take on one's body, both physically and emotionally. it's been a long time since i checked my "real age," but as i'm looking back just over the last couple of years and all that has happened, i'm guessing i'm probably somewhere in my early fifties, as far as realage.com is concerned. and i'm not the only one; i can think of several people reading this blog whose lives are drastically different than they were two years, two months, two weeks ago. i'm wondering when (or if) this ever changes. what i mean to say is, do the changes become smaller and smaller? or are we forever radically different with the seasons?

no point to this post, really. just thinking about the job lost one year ago today, how upset i was about it then, and how completely inconsequential it is now. i suppose i should stock this feeling away for reference the next time i think the world is ending.

and so it begins (again)

2009-10-20T09:35:00.004-06:00

time to get more hot and less flabby. SHIT.

so i'm going to try to get into shape. for real this time. i made a semi-serious attempt at making the ol' body hotter in the spring time, but that was mainly because the place i lived did not have hot water for showering and the gym did. so now that i can shower at home, why on earth would i go work out? :) but the time has come to stop looking like i've given up on being cute and start looking like an adorable 26-year-old girl who has absolutely no reason to be chubby.

don't get me wrong; i don't hate my body. i am 5'11" tall and i weigh approximately 165 lbs, which is less than your average giant girl. my bmi is 23, which is perfectly healthy and i'm not what i would consider a "big girl," although there have been days when my brain and my mirror have teamed up to convince me otherwise. i have a nice shape and when i'm taking care of myself i can sort of kind of be a little bit of a brickhouse. (you know, mighty mighty, lettin' it all hang out.)

but the problem is (and has been for aaaages) that i jiggle too much. and me no likey. so starting yesterday, it is game ON, body. i'll be getting plenty of cardio daily, joining a good friend for yoga twice a week, and i'm even considering joining weight watchers with another friend who finds herself in a similar i'm-super-cute-but-i-could-be-cuter-with-some-help position. maybe that sounds silly, but it can't hurt, right?

so i guess i'm saying wish me luck. god knows i'ma need it. and if we see each other in the next little bit, be sure to say bye bye to my beer belly. i'm hoping you'll never see it show its ugly face again.

it's time you knew

2009-10-19T14:46:00.003-06:00

so, some of you have already heard about this and, despite the mixed reviews, i continue to find it hilarious and am hoping that someone reading this will integrate my new favorite running gag into their lives and it will bring them as much laughter as it does me.

we all know that if anyone can drive a joke into the ground, it's this girl. and with that thought in mind, i decided to put "that's what she said" on the shelf a few weeks ago and try something new. and the something new of which i speak involves the constant repetition of the word "buttholes." (hear me out; i swear to god it's awesome.)

it's quite simply, really. it works like this: say you and a friend are having a conversation about weekend activities, and your friend is trying to convince you to go somewhere. your friend might say, "come on, dude. it could be fun." you might then say, "buttholes: come on, dude. it could be fun." this sounds totally lame, and i fully understand that you might, at this point, find yourself confused as to why this entertains me to no end (although if you know me well at all you know that i am the world's most easily entertained human). but i promise that if you at least give it a try, you won't regret it. (i.e. --- buttholes: i promise that if you at least give it a try, you won't regret it.) (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!)

maybe you hate it, maybe you don't get it, maybe it'll be your new favorite thing. just wanted to share. xoxo

supplemental information

2009-10-07T07:32:00.003-06:00

i re-read yesterday's post and its tone sounds really worried and hesitant and blue. but the truth of it is, despite all the scariness that i'll be facing pre-move, i am really really really really really REALLY really really jazzed to be doing this. and when i don't let myself focus too much on the logistics, packing up and heading west to jump with both feet into phase two of the most fulfilling relationship i've ever been in feels like the most natural thing in the world, and there is no doubt in my mind that my future in the big city with scott will be the raddest thing ever. just wanted to clarify. :)

oh holy shit

2009-10-06T09:55:00.006-06:00

check it, i'm moving to california.

not today, and not tomorrow, but i'm moving to california next summer, when my lease is up. i am more excited and more terrified of this than i think i have been about anything i've ever done.

so here's the deal: i don't talk about my boyfriend in great detail on this blog. it creeps me out a little, and i can't really explain why. (sidenote: it doesn't creep me out when you write about your boyfriend / fiance / husband. i really dig it. you guys are so freaking cute. i just can't do it myself. reason #4,722 why i'm a little bit crazy, i guess.) anyhow, we've been dating for a year now, and he's fucking awesome. and i am awesome. and together we are awesome squared. so he lives in l.a. and i live here, and even though the long-distance lovin' has worked out thus far with much less conflict and much more ease than i initially anticipated, the time has come for us discuss (insert ominous music here) the future. YIKES. and the future for him, and the future for me, is, at least at this point, a future together. (jesus christ my blood pressure went up just typing that.) and since he is settled and successful where he is and i'm sort of vagabond when it comes to living arrangements and job situations, i will go to where he is. this move includes, but is not limited to, the following:

selling most of my things to purchase new(er) things there
parting ways with my sweet, sweet malibu (i'm not that torn up about this one)
finding a job and an apartment and some new friends

and, in addition to the above stressful chores, i will also have to:

get used to the fact that i'll be thousands of miles away from my family (i can already feel the tears welling up)
be a plane ride away from friends i see all the time (i hate it so bad, i can't even tell you. this is a whole post in itself)
come to terms with my insecurities in the land of the beautiful people
understand that this could turn out to be the best or worst decision i've ever made (then again, i suppose every decision could be either the best or the worst one ever...), and be okay with letting the cards fall where they may

so i guess we'll just see what we see. this move is months and months away but there is much to do before then, starting with (for real this time) getting a second job. scott has already made it clear that he will do everything he can to make this transition as smooth for me as it can be, but i can't expect him to hand me a blank check, and this whole shift is going to cost some mega dollars. suggestions on gainful, part-time employment are welcome.

i may have been a little premature in posting all of this information. after all, disasters are unpredictable and all of this may have to be retracted. but i am nearly 100% certain that this is certain, that i am certain, that he is certain.

in conclusion (for now) to this incoherent train of thought, i suppose i can just leave you with this: i'm MOVING across the fucking COUNTRY for a BOY. who saw that coming?!?

extra extra

2009-09-24T14:37:00.003-06:00

if you can believe it, i'm posting about something other than myself. i know, i know. but pull your jaws off the floor, because today has been a ca-RA-zy news day and i wanted to share. as someone who reads cnn.com and time.com and, let's face it, people.com religiously, i consider myself a pretty news-aware person, and i sometimes feel like a 'dumb american' that my attention is drawn first to the human interest stories rather than the hard-hitting, need-to-know news. but today, it seems as though the human interest stuff has officially crossed over into need-to-know territory. allow me to elaborate:

making friends, the southern way:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/09/24/lowery.fist.bump/index.html

local woman experiences waking nightmare:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33006136/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/wid/11915773/

not the reason i'd want to be in the guiness book:
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2009/09/24/2009-09-24_big_baby_boy_weighs_in_at_19pounds_at_birth_in_north_sumatra_indonesia.html

assholes still exist:
http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1925607,00.html

am i right? crazy crazy crazy!

incidentally, i think i would make an excellent headline-writer. and, yeah, i just went ahead and made this post a little bit about me. you had to see that one coming.

t minus

2009-09-11T13:48:00.005-06:00

twenty four hours until b's baby shower, complete with baby name reveal
three days until early birthday dinner with tatum, my darling girl
five days until i am leaving on a jet plane for a long weekend
eight days until my BIRTHDAY (boosh boosh boosh)
twelve days until the official first day of fall
fourteen days until my lovely sister and i get to celebrate said birthday in true haney girl fashion
sixteen days until yom kippur, if that's your thing
five weeks until scott finally shows his cute face in central arkansas
six weeks until columbus day, which is of no consequence because i will probably be at work
eightish weeks until i dress up like mario of the mario brothers for halloween in l.a.

more to come, kids. this time of year is always so exciting. :)

*it should be noted that at least one million exclamation points would appear at the end of each of the above events, if i had the time and patience for all that punctuation.

exposed vulnerabilities

2009-08-26T08:42:00.003-06:00

sometimes, when i am in a relationship, i become certifiably insane. and this time is no different, not in that regard. but the complications added this time, the distance and the feeling, make me feel like perhaps i am ready to be fitted for a straight jacket. if he was here, if i was there, if i didn't think about him the way that i do, if i didn't wonder if maybe... then i could keep the crazy at bay, let it out in little spurts. but these days it seems that this particular brand of bananas can't sit on the shelf for any extended period of time. it crops up almost daily. and it's nerve-wracking. i am a girl who's used to solving problems with hugs and kisses (you know, after i've done some yelling and stomping of the feet), and forcing me to use my words (even though it seems i have them all at my disposal) can backfire. i don't say what i mean, or i don't say enough (shocking, right?), or when i get all of what i want to say out i feel foolish for having been bothered by whatever behavior it was in the first place. since we are so far away, i spend too much time rolling over situations in my head and wondering whether i am pissed off or if i am merely annoyed. and i can't help but wonder if it would be any different if we could hug it out when we need to. or, more accurately, when i need to. and he's really great, maybe the greatest (don't you dare tell him i said that). but he drives me crazy. or is it me that's driving me crazy? i just need some contact. more than what i'm getting, you know? real skin to skin. but even if i had it, would all of this nuts-o behavior disappear? when do you let it go? when do you relax? when do you give the guy a break (because of course he deserves it)? when do you settle into it and stop panicking every time something doesn't go the way it's supposed to, or the way you imagine it's supposed to? i'm not sure there are any answers. besides maybe deep breaths. and vodka. ;)

so it's almost bedtime...

2009-08-25T22:54:00.005-06:00

...and you think that you're done laughing for the day, done smiling, done being entertained. you go outside to drink some apple cinammon tea and have a bedtime cigarette, and you sit at the top of the stairs yawning and thinking about how lovely the view of the trees is from where you are. and then, out of nowhere, the douchebag downstairs neighbor comes out of his apartment, gets halfway up the stairs with a bong in one hand and a beer in the other, looks up, sees you sitting at the top, turns around and goes directly back into his apartment, without a word.

and then you laugh maniacally.

for like two solid minutes.

the moral of the story is: don't close the book on amusement, not until you are for sure asleep.

did you see it?!?

2009-08-24T09:59:00.005-06:00

i saw "inglourious basterds" yesterday afternoon, and i straight CANNOT get it out of my head. i l-o-v-e-d loved it. the actors, the script, the art direction, the gore, the fluid switch from french to english to german. even the pitt, of whom i am no big fan but think is a phenomenal actor. i think i'll make a plan to see it again soon. maybe tuesday, when my local cineplex offers large popcorn and large sodey pop for $1 each? maybe so.

i have taken to going to the movies by myself in the last few years, and let me just tell you, i don't know if i ever enjoy any movie as much as the ones i watch alone (with the obvious exception of movies i can quote verbatim, i.e. tommy boy, drop dead gorgeous, aladdin, etc. these are all better when watched with someone who can also say the lines with the movie, and perform any musical numbers with pizazz). i mean, think about it, when one goes to the theater alone, one doesn't have to share popcorn or junior mints or coca-cola just because it's cost effective, one doesn't have to endure their companion's whispers or ill-timed laughs or any other variation on such interruptions, and (and this is a BIG ONE in my case) one doesn't force anyone else to endure one's whispers or ill-timed laughs. it's a win-win folks. plus plus plus, there's no "do you want to sit in the front or the back or the middle" seating debacle. plus plus PLUS, you can get there as early or late as you like, depending on your stance on previews (i personally do NOT like to miss the previews).

okay, granted, like any girl does, i sure do enjoy a date night at the movies, when homeboy buys the popcorn and maybe your hands brush going for some buttery goodness at the same time and you giggle like a teenager and he lets you grab his arm if you're scared (because he gets to pick the flick and he chooses a scary movie because he is a jerk and maybe because you picked the last time and made him see "27 dresses" or something similar) and all of that good stuff. but, i'm telling you, if you haven't sat in a cold theater with a huge box of sour patch kids and a big ol' dr. pepper that's all yours with no one in the seats on either side of you, then you should totally get on it. it's a whole new experience, and a good one at that.

an open letter to myself

2009-08-14T10:04:00.003-06:00

dear melissa,

i know you say these things to yourself in your head sometimes when you're in a funk, but since you have found yourself in this spot again with no progress in having a new and better reaction, i figured i'd write down some reminders for you in hopes that maybe they'll finally stick:

not everything is a huge fucking problem. you act like the smallest nuisance is the end of the world sometimes, and it's getting old. you've seen some big bad shit before, and you've handled it (beautifully, if i may say so myself), so quit letting a crappy email or a missed phone call or a dumb comment weigh you down.
get over yourself. yes, you're the center of your own little universe, as that's as it should be. but yours is the only universe center that you occupy, and that is also as it should be.
it is no one's job but yours to make you feel better when you're down. you should really stop depending on anyone who will pick up the phone to do work that you know you can only do yourself.
projecting your piss-poor attitude on your sisters, your parents, your friends, and your boyfriend is rude and will definitely bite you in the ass at some point. i know you've seen proof of that; i was there, remember?
there is not, contrary to popular belief, a reason for everything that happens. you'd spend a lot less time drowning your boo hoos in wine if you'd quit searching for a non-existent answer. you are prone to over-analyzing, and it does nothing but wear you out.

please remember that i really love you and all your goofy neurotic tendencies. you know i think you're a bad ass, but there is always room for improvement. and this "wah wah, i'm in a funk" routine is really tired. funks serve no purpose but to waste your time and energy, and you always feel silly for having succumbed to them when they're over, don't you? you're bound to get the blues once in a while, but i'm just suggesting that you give in to them less often. i think you'll thank me later. don't forget, you don't have to be perfect to be better.

love you big time,

melissa

exes and whys

2009-08-05T12:43:00.007-06:00

also titled: way back wednesday, in a manner of speaking

i've been experiencing a strange phenomenon as of late: i have been on the business end of some fairly interesting post-relationship contact with three ex-boyfriends, and have not at all been weirded out by hanging out with them. these guys have nothing in common except for me, so my initial suspicion that this is some elaborate plot to showcase me in the worst punk'd episode ever has since dissipated, and i've come to realize that perhaps this is something normal people do. we text, we call, we see each other accidentally and on purpose. we are... are we... is it possible that we've become... friends? i've never been a girl who stays friendly with once and former dreamboats, but neither have i been a girl who holds a grudge. so while i am surprised to be on the receiving end of any after-the-fact attention, i don't hate it at all. as a matter of fact, i'm kinda digging it. i mean, these dudes each knew me pretty well at some point(s) or another, and even after we exploded or evaporated or just ended, they still want to know me? that's good for my ego. maybe we'll get tired of each other the way we did before. or maybe we'll braid each other's hair and tell our deepest darkest secrets. or maybe we'll be casual acquaintances. i've always wanted one of those... i'll let you know how it turns out. :)

soy la ganadora

2009-08-02T21:19:00.004-06:00

so, i let the blog go a little, and it was the middle of july before i really realized it. so i made a bet with myself that i could go blog-silent for the full month, and i did. iiiiii win. (what's the name of this game?) (i win.) i think spewing ridiculousness on twitter helped with the quietude. anyhoodle, i'm back, i guess.

what have i been up to? oh, you know, same old shit. working playing losing weight gaining weight laughing dancing singing on stage (that's a new one) and did i mention drinking? so you haven't missed much, unless you've missed me. in which case, back atcha. still loving my messy little apartment and diggin' on my bad ass boyfriend. still giving mucho hugs and kisses and driving with the windows down. still putting off pedicures and eating too much cheese dip. things don't change much around here, folks.

anyhow, look forward to pictures, eventually. i recently purchased new batteries for my camera and i have missed several kodak moments as of late, so i'll be remedying that on the quick. you haven't seen my new(ish) place! you haven't seen how long my hair has gotten! you haven't seen my cute little laptop from which i am blogging RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND! lots to see, much to post.

love love love love love. catch you on the flip flop.

fml

2009-06-29T12:00:00.005-06:00

so, i don't get hangovers. literally. never. this fact made me completely unprepared for yesterday's events. allow me to start at the beginning:

the day started out innocently enough. i woke up bright and early and drove down to little rock to attend my favorite one-year-old's birthday party. it was super fun, and the little guy had a blast. aunt melissa threw back a few beers, but that's to be expected. after all the kiddies were gone and the supplies were packed away, a few of us decided to go downtown and grab some drinks before going home. i had approximately two and half beers before making the trek back to conway. i think that brought my grand total for the day to, like, eight cervezas. that's really not so bad, right? i should've been fine. famous last words. i fell asleep shortly after getting back to my apartment at around five. i woke up to my phone ringing at a little after 9. a FOUR HOUR nap on a sunday evening, ladies and gentlemen. while on the phone it occurred to me that i had a massive headache and that my stomach felt horrible. after we hung up, i decided to eat something, figuring that it had been like ten hours since i ate and that hunger must be the problem. so i have a granola bar and lay back down, feeling terrible. about 20 minutes later, i made a mad dash for the bathroom and vomited the entire contents of my tummy, perhaps including some small organs. i was sweating, i was almost in tears, and my hands wouldn't stop shaking. i called ol' scott and bitched and moaned and pitied myself as though i am the only human who's ever suffered like that. in his head, i'm sure he was thinking, "oh, for pete's sake, get over it woman." but outwardly, he was very sweet and full of good advice and optimism. after we hung up, i laid down again, thinking that i could fall asleep and be done with it. it worked, for about ten minutes. i then got up and puked AGAIN, only this time, i have no idea what i could've been getting rid of and my best guess is my stomach lining. then i cried myself to sleep. you read that correctly. i cried a little kid cutting the biggest onion ever, and re-ran the day's events in my mind, trying to figure out how the hell this all happened. a simple math problem should demonstrate it well: 8 beers + 0 ounces h20 + 95 degree heat + 600% humidity = feeling like dog shit for the rest of the night. good work, melissa. you are officially a dumb ass. and the worst thing about it is that i started my day at a baby's birthday party. good example for the children, yes?

there you have it kids: mama's first real hangover. tsk, tsk. just had me a cheeseburger and a real coke and i am on the road to recovery. i don't expect any sympathy; i know you've probably all gone through this before, perhaps multiple times. more belated rites of passage next time, when our topic will be "the time i got my driver's license" or maybe "the first time i got cramps."

remember when i used to blog?

2009-06-24T10:29:00.005-06:00

hello friends. it's me, melissa. remember me? shit, i hope so. :) you know how sometimes when you haven't talked to someone in forever it's hard to catch up on what's been going on with you, because it seems like so MUCH has been going on with you, even if really nothing special's been going on at all? well, that's where we're at, amigos. i have been busy, as usual, but not too busy to blog. me falling by the wayside here is a direct result of acquiring some virus on my computer at work (damn you, facebook), which is where i, foolishly i admit, do most of my blogging. anyhow, my absence from the internet usually means i'm all up in my head about something, but that's not the case this time. things are business as usual around here. work's going well. my boss is out of town for a week so right now work's going REALLY well. i baby-sat arlo and roxy while mom and pop hills were on vacation, and that was an adventure. (a good one!) had dinner with princess jackie one night while she was in town, which was superb because i hadn't seen her in months. went to mtn. home for father's day to hang out with my daddy, who i love love love. and of course, i'm always looking forward to furture happenings. nate the great turns the big o-n-e this week, and i'm very excited to celebrate with my extended, selected family this weekend. can't wait to sun it out in the park with jenny bug and maddox, whom i've yet to meet and hug and kiss and squeeze. (and sarah and lucia? and brooke and her growing belly baby?) can't wait to go to mtn. home (againnnnn) for dock night, tatum and melissa style. can't wait to watch fireworks and light a million sparklers. can't wait to see scott, who i promise will eventually be here (do you think i made this guy up yet? look, he's for real. we are having scheduling obstacles!). can't wait can't wait can't wait. all right, that's enough from me. again, no pictures. again, no way back wednesday. just another chapter in the book i'm working on entitled: "shit i have done / am doing that no one cares about but me." :)

did i tell you?

2009-06-08T08:35:00.006-06:00

the last week has been banoodles. depending on the frequency with which you and i are in contact, i may or may not have told you the following information:

all of my belongings were moved from my room, into a uhaul truck, out of said uhaul, and up a flight of stairs into my apartment by me and three other chicks, none of whom are body-builders. this makes us bad ass, at the very least.
i won a small but important (to me) battle against the uhaul place after they treated me like a piece of shit. i won in the form of monetary compensation. and who doesn't need more money?
i got my brakes fixed and changed my car insurance and paid my property taxes and deposited my first month's rent. i did all of this with money left over. i have turned into a saver. i have turned into a financial planner. i have turned into a bonafide growed up girl.
i took a three-hour nap on thursday night, effectively screwing my entire night, because being a bonafide growed up girl is exhausting.
the cable is hooked up in my house, and i don't just mean that literally. i got HOOKED UP. i have dvr now, which kind of feels like being the last caveman to realize that he can make fire. i also have a ridiculous amount of channels, some of which i never even knew existed. as a result, antm cycle 8, you are recorded and i will see you soon. (without commercials.) (without listening to that sarah girl be a bitch.) (without much of anything tyra has to say.)
i am anticipating a visit from the bf sometime soon. we have been going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth about this; i didn't know he wasn't as planny planny as i am. grrr. anyhow, he'll be here at some point, and this is big big big because i might maybe kind of miss him just a little bit.
i made mention in my last post about the contents of my fridge... i have not done anything to alter the line-up. i must grocery shop today or go broke / gain thirty pounds.

i can't find my camera cord. um, there hasn't been a hell of lot of progress made on the un-packing, see? but i will find it soon, and i will show you pictures of my rad new digs, grocery-filled refrigerator included. xo

joie de vivre

2009-06-03T07:32:00.004-06:00

the dust has settled.

i live alone.

yesterday was kind of dramatic, but also hilarious.

and you know what? it was pretty fucking fun, too.

my fridge contains only pickles and grape jelly.

but there's vodka in the freezer.

so come over anytime. :)

i didn't know before today

2009-05-31T13:16:00.003-06:00

one alcohol- and fried food- filled memorial day weekend is enough to reverse any progress made on making body hotter
i can, if i choose to, accomplish absolutely nothing in a 24-hour period
i kick ass at catch phrase
when you're moving, money disappears so quickly it damn near evaporates
giving clothes away feels good
finding clothes i forgot i had feels better
time flies, whether you're having fun or not
i somehow instinctively know how to scramble eggs
staying home last night was a bigger treat for me than going out would've been
my eyebrows have about a two-day period where i love them; other than that they are either too thin or too full
i might miss my little yellow room on garvin ave. more than i thought i would

debauchery by melissa

2009-05-26T10:29:00.005-06:00

did anyone have as rad-ass a memorial day weekend as i did? jeezum crow, i thought 25 was old but i worked it like i was 20 again! i stayed up all night for three days straight, drank like alcohol was calorie-free, spent money like i'm some sort of trust fund baby, and had more fun than i can recall having in some time.

friday night: gusano's with megs, tatum, dulcinea, and dulcinea's brother for pizza and beers; willy d's with megan and cutie-patootie college kids at the next table; electric cowboy for a little (okay a lotta) ass shakin'.

saturday night: took the greatest shower ever taken by anyone, courtesy of one kat hills who advised me to take my time, and take my time i did; dinner and drinks with some sweet girls, one of whom was celebrating a biiiirthday (and you know my feelings on birthdays); dancing downtown to horrible music; then off to discovery (disco if ya hood, y'all) for a delightful drag show and loads of compliments from boys both gay and straight, of which i can never get enough.

sunday night: meggers came back to town, we met up with the cutie-patootie college kids at the saucer; then to sticky fingerz (by the way, were they having some sort of memorial day celebration or are beers there always only $2?!?); then to a new pal's gorgeous apartment for more drinking, dancing, and playing. additionally, i definitely DID get into the pool at 2am with nothing but my bra and panties on, in the pouring rain. i guess if you get on a treadmill three or four days a week your self-confidence goes through the roof. :)

and yesterday i just packed. packed and cleaned and decided what to trash and what to keep. I AM MOVING THIS WEEKEND OMG.

and that's about it, boys and girls. what did you get up to? and did you have fun doing it?

plugged in, charged up

2009-05-20T10:03:00.005-06:00

way back wednesday is becoming increasingly difficult for me, so this may be my last edition. unless, of course, i happen to run across some old goofy pictures of me. in which case i will definitely share, way back style. :)

but i got to thinking about way back when today, and i started wondering about what my life was like before modern technology. i'm not as tuned in as some, but i email, blog, twitter, and all of that these days. i mean, i can remember when getting my own phone line at home was a huge deal and how hearing it ring would make my heart beat faster, knowing that someone was calling me specifically (or megan... we shared a line... i mean, we're twins and all... beside the point). and when i was 16, mama and meg and i all got cell phones, and we gave up the land line. and i can remember thinking how rebellious and maybe sort of crazy that seemed. i mean, that was our PHONE. i guess i didn't really understand how a cell phone would change things. and now, i rely on that sucker more than i care to admit. i hate being without my little lg and all its lovely ringtones and notices of voicemails and text messages. and i wonder, what would happen if i didn't have it? what would my life be like without a way to communicate at any time in any place? and what about this blog? would i still keep a journal if i didn't blog? probably, and i bet it would be a LOT more personal. i'm on twitter, i'm on facebook, i'm fully exposed. there are clearly pros and cons to the last decade or so's technological explosion, and this is a way bigger topic than i am willing to commit to discussing now, but i guess i'm just saying that this way back wednesday, i realize that, while my parents bored me with stories about life before color television, i'll be boring my kids with stories about letters that came with stamps on them. crazy, right?

yes i am

2009-05-19T10:00:00.005-06:00

i am feeling very tough these days, outside and in. i feel untouchable, bulletproof, ninja-like. i am at the ready for any and all asses that need kicking, both literally and figuratively. i'm not sure where this feeling comes from or what mini-disaster will end it, but for now, in the words of alicia keys, "even when i'm a mess i still put on a vest with an 's' on my chest, oh yes, 'cause i'm a superwoman. yes i am."

perception is a bitch

2009-05-15T08:31:00.006-06:00

this is what i am:

this is what i see:

do i have body dysmorphic disorder?

no, of course i don't have anything that sad or serious. all i have is an extended teenage case of the "i'm not cute enough"s and the "why don't i look like that"s. ugh ugh ugh. i recently started working out again, drinking (a little) less, and eating healthier. so why do i feel bigger than when i didn't do anything? since when does a pretty intense slash in calories (on most days) and grueling cardio equal feeling grosser than before? makey no sense. i mean, i'm not expecting my old self to show up overnight, but for cryin' out loud, the extra squish CANNOT get out of here fast enough.

okay, i just needed to get that off my chest. i'm still cute i'm still cute i'm still cute i'm still cute i'll be even cuter one of these days i'm still cute i'm still cute. will keep this mantra on repeat until at least 15 lbs are bye bye.

saturday morning bliss

2009-05-13T07:25:00.002-06:00

my wbw this week stars the cartoons of my childhood. fraggle rock (i cannot hear those words together without screaming DOWN AT FRAGGLE ROCK!!! in my head), garfield and friends, pee-wee's playhouse, jem (omg she's totally outrageous), and more. and when i think back, i'm pretty sure i'd still be entertained by all these shows today. especially pee-wee... a friend of mine and i tried to reinstate the "word of the day" a few years back. remember? the robot would print out the word of the day and every time someone said it, everyone would scream? it was SO much fun when i was kid, and pretty effing fun as an adult, too.

i feel like nothing as good as this stuff is on tv for kids these days. and i'm sure the comments section will feature at least one or two people telling me i'm wrong, and proving me wrong, and that's fine. i don't have a child to monitor so i don't have as much exposure as one might. but i'm just sayin', i still watch cartoons. and the new teenage dora the explorer and those bratz doll hookers can't be doing for today's little kiddies what i KNOW the teenage mutant ninja turtles did for me.

rush of love

2009-05-12T12:33:00.005-06:00

i've used both of these pictures before. i'm fine with that, and i'm sure you are, too. tatum and heather, so different and so alike. these little ladybugs have known me for so long, so much longer than sometimes i remember. they know so much about the me that existed before i knew most of you. they know my strengths, tolerate my faults, and love me truly. and of course, i love them to the moon and back every day, but especially on days like today, when they are so truly themselves: so naturally beautiful, so unflinchingly tough, so effortlessly gracious.

big ups, homegirls. you are each my north star in human form.

had to share

2009-05-07T07:21:00.004-06:00

i find this insanely hilarious, and laughed aloud for a good two plus minutes at my desk upon viewing. make of that what you will.

so, kris allen is officially in the finale of american idol. and since he's from conway, there's apparently a TON of stuff going on in town the next few days, most of which i'll miss because, while i live in conway, i'm only there about 30% of any given weekday. anyhow, i've met the guy once and so i get to pretend in my head that i am a small part of his success. psychotic delusional disorder aside, that feels pretty good.

this post is incoherent, boring, and not even slightly amusing. my apologies if you wasted your time reading it until the end. :)

weather-related frowns

2009-05-06T09:06:00.005-06:00

i'm as over the rain now as i was on sunday. i always get super jazzed when there's rain in the forecast, but i feel like after a week of this with no end in sight that i'm stuck in some apocalyptic summer blockbuster a la the day after tomorrow. will all this wetness make the summer greener? fingers crossed. i can deal with it if there's a pay-off.

and now, my wbw. i couldn't find a satisfactory picture of me or anyone else. (maybe the rain also makes me finicky?) so instead, i decided to take you way back in a different way: way back when THIS candy bar was the greatest invention of my young life:

anyone remember whatchamacallits? omg, i lived and died for them. perhaps the fact that i had one for a snack every day after school in the sixth grade has indirectly contributed to my serious issue with instant gratification...

all right, that's it. i'm out. workey work. then top model. then wine. then bed. xo

for real though

2009-05-03T14:42:00.004-06:00

this rain can take a fucking hike. i'm over it. the novelty is no longer present. i am typically a pro-rain person, but this bout of it has caused the following small tragedies:

dangerous drive back from russellville yesterday going 15 mph below the speed limit west on I-40
cancelled meiko concert at festival in town that i was really REALLY looking forward to
saturday night at home instead of out, which was good for my body but bad for my mood
sopping wet jeans bottoms all day every day
overuse of windshield wipers and a reminder that i need to replace them both
crazy hair... i am less than cute as a frizzy head

the good news is that i'm pretty sure there is no pollen in sight anywhere. plus, i don't wash my car so mother nature's got the malibu looking all shiny.

hope everyone had a good weekend. if you're dry, i'm envious. (that's what she said.)

bye bye april

2009-04-29T08:49:00.002-06:00

way back wednesday again already? where is the time going? okay, so, i don't know who took this picture, but i kind of love it. it's from jenny's engagement party many moons ago, and i am wearing a DRESS and COWBOY BOOTS. who am i? look at my skinny little arms and my long hair... i don't even recognize that girl. :) how vain is it that my wbws are all of me? i'm telling you, i don't have the technological capabilities that some of you have. i've had a digital camera for like two years maybe and i don't know if i could use a scanner even if it came with detailed instructions. so, yeah. i guess you get to look at pictures of me... that other people took... from not that long ago. :)

additionally, today is president obama's 100th day in office. time.com has all kinds of cool coverage on it, and i have forgone any work i should've done by now to peruse / obsess over it. go check it out, and enjoy every second.

dear skeezy dudes

2009-04-27T09:41:00.002-06:00

yes, i saw you at the bar saturday night but, no, i was not affected by your attendance. yes, i felt you breathing on my neck but, no, i was not at all interested. yes, i understand that the place was packed but, no, i don't think that means you get to dance as close as you want. yes, i don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump and grind but, no, i don't see that as more than a catchy song. yes, i plan on going home alone but, no, i don't want anyone to try and change my mind about that.

moral of the story: you are ewwy and disgusting. keep your hands to yourself, you nasty pieces of shit.

two birds, one stone

2009-04-22T07:30:00.006-06:00

first, way back wednesday. this is from the first snow day i had as a resident of central arkansas, like five days after i moved here. tater and i went out to play. we were / are adorable. don't bother disagreeing, because i know that's a fact. ;)

earrrrrrth day is today! and while i do NOT throw beer bottles out of my car window, this is far and away my favorite card that someecards.com came up with for the occasion. HA! go check them all out, and thank me later. happy earth day!!! go recycle something... or something!

p.s. why isn't earth day marked on my wall calendar at work? who made this piece of shit?

obsessed with it

2009-04-21T12:00:00.001-06:00

the song AND the feeling that is. xo

westside story

2009-04-17T12:27:00.003-06:00

so it's been a couple weeks since i got back home from california, and i'm just now getting around to uploading my pictures. you want to be surprised, don't you? but you're not, are you? :) we went to hollywood and in between trying to get jimmy kimmel tickets (no luck) and dodging crazy people (yikes yikes yikes), i managed to get a picture of one star, and one star only. the good is news, ms. dolly parton's star is worth five other less fabulous celebrities' stars. all hail dolly!

we went to this rad observatory from which the view of los angeles looked positively perfect. even the smog looked kind of pretty. that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. the whole place was awesome, and there were lots of interactive displays and fun stuff to play with. this is what we look like in infrared. although between me putting the camera in front of his face, the glare from the flash, and the mysterious dark spot on my cheek (was i wearing a lot of blush that day?), the picture isn't nearly as cool as i'd anticipated. oh well.

megan asked me to take a picture of the hollywood sign, and i tried several times to get a good one, but i'm a lousy photographer and my camera is not built for miles-long zooming. but i mean, you can still see it, right? so, megan? your hollywood sign pic? i'd say that's a check!

fun fun fun on the west coast! have a good weekend. love love. :)

maximum boosh

2009-04-16T08:17:00.004-06:00

I FOUND A NEW APARTMENT!!!

and it's exactly the one i wanted. :) rent is cheap-ish, location is good, washer and dryer in-house. hooray hooray! i move in on june 1st at the latest, and i am excited excited excited! i am now, per my mama's request, making a needs / wants list for mi casa nueva so that she and my sweet daddy can send anything they have laying around that i might need. i don't know if any of you has met my mom, but if you have, then you will be unsurprised to hear that she has a brand new, unused set of plates, silverware, and glasses for me that has probably been boxed up in her house for years. :)

this news is so good, that i can't be bothered by much else, even though the much else of which i speak would normally have me in the fetal position. por ejemple? i can't breathe and the sinus pressure in my head is at a breaking point. no problem, 'cause i got a new apartment. one of my top three went home on antm last night, pretty much screwing my chances of winning the antm fantasy league this cycle. no problem, 'cause i got a new apartment. my boss is officially on a tirade, and i'm the only one around for him to take his fire-breathing rage out on. no problem, 'cause i got a new apartment.

i can't explain in words how relieved i am to have this checked off "the list." this was the big one, and now it's done. all that's left to do between now and june 1st is save my pennies like a good little girl and start deciding what kind of wine rack i want (yes, mom, that is definitely on the "wants" list). :)

AND, by the way, i thought my tags expired in march and that i was driving around illegally. well, i discovered the other night that they actually don't expire until may, giving me another six weeks to take care of it AND change my insurance before i have to deal with the tags. did i already say boosh? 'cause, um, BOOSH.

all right fine

2009-04-15T11:40:00.003-06:00

way back wednesday. i will play, but i don't know how often, cause we all don't really know the same people from way back, right? no sense in posting pics of me and strangers. ;)

these ol' hussies are my pledge sisters from the sorority i was in. well, the sorority i joined, saw the inner-workings of, and bolted from as quickly as possible. but pledging was awesome, and these girls are INCREDIBLE. clockwise from me: katy, kristen, angie, and chundra. there were only five of us, which was unusual, but it made for more fun. i'm still relatively close with all four of these gorgeous ladies, and i have that devil cult of girls to thank.

so there you go. me as a baby, trying to rock crimped hair, hanging out with girls i had no idea would be as big a part of my college years as they were.

slow but sure progress

2009-04-14T07:32:00.005-06:00

looking for places is exhausting. how many times can i say, "i'm interested in renting an apartment, and i'd like some details on a one-bedroom, if you have that available" on the phone before i gouge an eye out? luckily, people have been super helpful and only semi-bitchy when i ask about a washer and dryer. i'm getting closer to finding a good fit. i think. :)

i did my taxes. it cost me $60 because i refused to do them myself. wellllll not so much refused as meant-to-do-it-and-then-looked-at-the-calendar-and-saw-that-it-was-already-the-13th-and-conceded-defeat. my refund is semi-dismal. that's what you get when you spend four out of last year's twelve months unemployed and eating government cheese. :)

did i mention that i'm also considering a second job? this is sort of a loose end on my seemingly never-ending list of shit to take care of, but still... i'm thinking about it. :)

little things (that mean so much) to do still: renew tags on car (today), visit bank about error (tomorrow?), pick up my shot records to complete application for school (um, thursday, i hope?). :)

yes, you're right. i inserted a smiley face at the end of each paragraph. i feel like if i make the effort, perhaps an actual smile will cross my face the next time i think about any of these annoying little chores that force me to face the fact that i might be an adult. fuck. :) :) :)

p.s. have been having numerous conversations lately about aforementioned tasks and have been readily (and repeatedly) informed by the bf (i'm trying it out... shut up) that i can take care of most of these things online. awww... that's cute. he thinks i use a computer for more than personal business.

all systems go

2009-04-10T11:10:00.004-06:00

sweet sweet sister has been giving me some shit about not updating, so here's your update, butterbean. usually when i'm quiet on the blog, it's because i've got more going on than i know what to do with rather than because i've got nothing going on at all. i'm sure scrolling back through the months will prove that i'm more prone to blog when i am bored and boring. :) even though nothing has actually changed yet, i feel like e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g around me is in total upheaval. and the good news is that it's all totally positive, and the s.s. melissa, after some initial wanting of my mommy, is setting sail for bigger and better on all fronts. as previously mentioned, i'm moving out of the house i've lived in for the last two plus years. i'll miss my roommates and i'll miss the chaos and i'll even miss those little devil kitty cats, but i am Excited with a capital "E" to have something different, something new, something mine. i'm going to look at a place this weekend that sounds pretty rad, and when i get all settled in, whether it's there or somewhere else, i'm having a big ol' housewarming. and the booze is on me. :) my personal life is g-double-o-d good. great, in fact. family and friends are all happy and healthy. I'M happy and healthy. my relationships with others are stronger and saner than they feel like they've ever been, and i am truly glad to be moving ever forward in closeness with my parents, sisters, friends, and maybe, just maybe, a boy. (i know, right? a freaking boy? i'm a loser. winkety wink.) i am trying to get my ass back into college. i touched on this plan in my new year's resolution post, and i asked people not to comment on it because it's "a personal decision." dude, that's bullshit. the reason i didn't (and maybe still don't) want any comments is because i'm embarrassed. i'm embarrassed to be 25 (and a half) years old and have nothing to show for my professional semi-adulthood but a string of office jobs that do nothing but bore and age me. nothing against office jobs, of course. but the office jobs i've had have been particularly heinous and not nearly worthy of my melissa-ness. (i don't even care if that makes me sound like a little shit. i feel like it's the god's honest truth.) i took a break from school after my sophomore year, and i'm convinced even now that that was a necessary course of action for me. i totally took for granted the opportunities generously laid in my lap, and i fully support the decision to take a step back and grow up a little before completely destroying myself with parties and alcohol and frat boys. but i've let this hiatus last for six years. SIX YEARS. unacceptable. and yes, i've met great people and been great places and learned great lessons that i wouldn't have if i had stayed on track, but the time for wasting away my twenties is over. and i'm doing my damnedest to remedy some of the maybe-poor decisions i have made. it's going to be a bit more complicated for me than it might be for someone else to get back in the game because of certain (hopefully fixable) mitigating circumstances, but i'm going for it anyway. so, comment away, if you like. i'm putting no restrictions on this one. :)

so, like i said, upheaval. i am making slow but sure progress to sloughing away what hasn't worked and diving into what will. keep your fingers crossed, friends 'o mine; it's feeling like a nine on the richter scale, and i'm not yet standing in the doorway for protection.

here i am...

2009-03-31T08:55:00.003-06:00

...and there i go!

craziness in central arkansas. CRAZINESS. allow me to elaborate. (you know i couldn't be succinct even if my life depended on it. he he he.) i am currently...

remembering that short work weeks are always actually the longest
leaving for the golden state in approximately 50ish hours with nothing yet packed
looking for new place to live as mine is no longer available, but...
...totally fine with it, and maybe...
...sort of kind of excited to have some new hotness!
wondering if my girl celia will get the boot on antm after that outburst last week
over-caffeinating and,
more than likely regretting that soon
guessing that, if my list-making skills are any indication, i am maybe better at twittering than blogging

okay, i guess that's about it. maybe it's less crazy around here than i thought. the excess coffee gives me a sense of urgency. :) seacrest OUT.

oh good gravy

2009-03-27T13:29:00.003-06:00

i can be such a baby about shit sometimes. i need to remember more often that i am not 12.5 years old, i am a whopping 25.5. grow up. for real. :)

this weekend's forecast be damned, i will have a good time. and it will start at 5pm sharp. pedicure, consignment shop, maybe a movie, spa night, and as always, plenty of vino. give me a call if you want to play. i'm a playing kind of mood, and i plan to stay that way, no matter what my inner teenager has to say about it. kiss kiss.

bullshit inspired by bullshit

2009-03-25T13:40:00.005-06:00

i feel like someone shit in my cheerios.

so we're chit-chatting, right? we do that every day. sometimes multiple times a day. and whether the conversation is two minutes or two hours, i soak up every second. i laugh, i pout, i entertain, i swoon. last night's chit chat was no different. and then something is said that stops me right in my tracks. it wasn't a big deal, and i am surely the only one still thinking about it. but it's not so much what was said, as what was implied. that's not true. it's not so much what was said, as what i inferred, as i'm sure there were no implications attached (there never really are). but it's got me thinking, thinking too much probably. one little statement invokes a million questions, none of which i can answer, none of which i can even think about much longer without going crazy. i've beat it to death in my head by now, for sure, so i'm going to try and give it a rest. the questions can wait.

scratchin' and survivin'

2009-03-23T08:15:00.004-06:00

good tiiiiiiiimes! (remember that show? anyone?)

god DAAAANG this weekend was so good. SO good. beers after work, margaritas and yummy mexican food, pictures galore and friends i adore (and inadvertent rhymes), old school rap and mind-numbing country songs, ping pong in the garage and not enough sleep, new ass-kicking skills courtesy of a real-life black belt, hamburgers and sunshine, blue moon and ladder ball, long drives out to the bo-jacks and infinitely more beers, couch time and chick flicks, lazy half-naps and laundry on the line. and, as always, funny text messages and sweet, long phone calls interspersed.

it was good to see you guys, and that may be the understatement of the year.

spring is officially here. i'm sure this means that more of the same is on its way. i am, in a word, ecstatic.

dude

2009-03-19T10:34:00.004-06:00

i've been happily as busy as a bee lately, and all the activity is affecting my attention span in a pretty serious way. (alliteration alert!) i am having some trouble concentrating on anything for longer than about twenty minutes. i run around in my head all day like a sugared-up toddler. it seems that my only break is sleep, which i'm having a hard time getting these days. soundtrack for march: basement jaxx's "where's your head at?"

erin go braugh(less)

2009-03-17T07:51:00.003-06:00

st. patrick's day, i love you.

my boss told me i don't look irish.

who really looks irish?

it's not like we just climbed off the boat from the motherland.

i'm celebrating.

out,

or at home.

somewhere,

with someone,

i will enjoy green beers

and a complete lack of respect for my liver.

love love.

zusters

2009-03-13T09:21:00.005-06:00

so, no one entertains me like mia sorella, megan elizabeth. she called last night to remind me that george clooney was guest starring on ER. and even though neither of us have watched that show in years, we agreed to watch and discuss for the clooney factor.

she says "i love you" 100 times before she says "goodbye."

she leaves me funny voicemails because she knows i don't check them but once every week or so, and when i finally do get around to listening to the twenty or so that i have, at least half of them are meg, and they are 100% hilarious.

it's a good thing we've got that "cell to cell" business for free, otherwise we'd go broke.

i think we can all agree she is the greatest. and today seemed like a good day to publish her fabulousness, even if i can only post a percentage of it.

articulos favoritos

2009-03-10T13:50:00.002-06:00

these are a few of my favorite things:

unpredictable weather
a good friend's newborn darling
blow-dried hair
happy hour(s)
a recent twitter obsession
america's next top model
terms of endearment (baby is my favorite)
sweet, sweet merlot
www.peoplewhodeserveit.com
rush hour radio
open windows / ceiling fan combo
mushy phone calls
upcoming travel adventures
super-fast workdays
ripe avocados
and you, of course

i guess i'd call it a quirk

2009-03-09T11:56:00.002-06:00

when i've made up my mind that i do not really like someone, i let every. single. tiny. little thing that they do be the most aggravating thing in the world to me, even though he or she is often engaging in behavior that wouldn't faze me coming from anyone else.

por ejemplo:

someone at my office called me "mel" today. someone that, as is indicated by paragraph one, i have decided that i do not particularly care for. all kinds of people call me mel. mel mel. mel bell. i dig it. but when the person in question used that name to get my attention, i felt my whole face redden in irritation and immediately hoped that (s)he would stub a toe sometime in the next 24 hours.

why am i such a bundle of crazy sometimes?

mushy mushy

2009-03-05T16:58:00.001-06:00

i am missing you guys. everyone's a grown-up and i am still melissa. call me soon. :) xoxo

ready for love

2009-03-04T08:27:00.002-06:00

all of the above is mere hours away. laugh all you want. baby's ready. that is all. (except to say that i will definitely not be making all future posts about antm.) (probably.) (sorry if you're bored.)

life in high def

2009-03-03T08:31:00.009-06:00

"i am a doucherocket."

"i am the answer to every question."

i'm glad the bachelor is over. i wasn't exactly embarrassed to admit i watched it, but i wasn't writing home to my mama about it, you know? that guy is a dick. and now the whole nation knows it. good work, abc.

tyra's back tomorrow. t minus thirty-four hours until the top model premiere. i cannot convey in plain text what this does for my heart.

no news is good news. and i obviously have no news. holla. xo.

p.s. when i'm making my posts now, the pictures don't show up, the htmls do. so i can't center words underneath pictures (clearly). i think this is taking away from things. help appreciated.

east I-40, 7:42am

2009-02-27T08:06:00.004-06:00

so i left my house a little late this morning. not a big deal. it's friday. but since i haven't been tanning in a while, my face is starkly white without the make-up i didn't have time to put on a la casa. so i'm driving and applying blush at the same time, so as to appear less like casper and more like me. not a big deal. it's not like it was a seriously distracting application, like eyeliner. i look over to my right, and what do i see in the next lane? this guy in a pick-up with like three teeth in his whole head laughing at me. laughing at me. hmph. i like to think i wouldn't have laughed at him had i caught him putting in his dentures. i'm just sayin.

so it's the 27th of february. and february only has 28 days. you do the math. it's almost over, huh? although i have to say, boys and girls, this hasn't been a bad month for me. there's been a little shit, but there always is, you know? can't really blame ol' feb for that. i guess my bottom line on the subject is... BOOSH. boosh boosh boosh! one day and a wake-up until the month where sarah's baby arrives (i'm guessing...), st. patrick's day, spring break (although i don't get one), warmer weather, and who knows? maybe a road trip or two. bring it on. see you on sunday, march.

forty (long) days and nights

2009-02-25T08:11:00.002-06:00

so i'm taking the plunge and i'm giving up beer for lent. i know, i know, you don't think i'll be able to do it. well, i'm here to tell ya, i WILL. there is still red wine, there is always vodka. i think this is going to be a fun little experiment. this comes, of course, with a couple of stipulations. for example, i will NOT be ordering mixed drinks at a couple of specific bars that make them real shitty-like. also, i have a vacation planned before easter and i will probably have a couple beers then. hey, it doesn't count if you're on vacation, right? so, buckle up, friends. let's watch my waistline whittle together, shall we?

p.s. additionally i'm giving up soda, which is no big deal cause i don't drink that much of it anyway. but i've been drinking A LOT of coke lately and i need to knock it off.

p.s.s. today starts the officially countdown: one week until antm!!! are we still having a watch party? where? do you want to get dinner first? i'll bring the wine... ;)

like a cracked-out oprah

2009-02-23T13:15:00.004-06:00

blow it up to get the full effect. (that's what she said.)

i've been going through the archives of toothpaste for dinner, natalie dee, married to the sea, and superpoop for about an hour now. please don't tell on me. while we're on the subject of keeping secrets, it would be GREAT if the following could be kept between us:
*i had TWO cokes at lunch today. real ones. oops.
*my hair is dirty enough that it might stay in this ponytail without the elastic.
*when i remembered that the bachelor is on tonight, i yelped out loud.
*the guy is away for a week with little to no contact and i might be kind of a little bit sort of frowny-faced about it.
*i pretended to be on the phone when someone i don't particularly like walked into my office today so that someone else would have to deal with him.

this has been another episode of SHHH! please join us next week when our topic will be "blogging at work instead of filing."

reader be warned

2009-02-20T12:12:00.006-06:00

sometimes, i am in a BAD FUCKING MOOD. i like to think of myself as a pretty optimistic girl, and i like to think that my smile to frown ratio is better than most. HOWEVER, there are days, like today, when i am frustrated and, let's not mince words here, just FUCKING PISSED OFF. without naming names or getting too specific, i am listing some of what is chapping my ass right now.
1. when you say you are going to call me, then please call me. i am worried and aggravated when you don't.
2. i don't ask for many favors. when i do, it's because something is important to me and i can't make it happen by myself. please don't make me beg. i don't make you beg, do i?
3. it hurts my feelings and makes me terribly insecure when you act like i am overreacting. i am a chronic overreactor, and i know what it feels like. in this case, person i'm talking to? i am NOT overreacting.
4. do not call me "honey," "babe," "sweetie," or anything like it unless you are a close friend, a boyfriend, or a relative.
and finally,
5. please do not feel the need to comment on this blog if you are put off by its negativity. everyone gets pissed off once in a while. and you know what? i'd rather blow off steam here than anywhere else. i made this m*therf*cker. i'll use it how i want.
*sigh*
okay, i am owning this shit mood, and i will get over it, guaranteed. i always do. it was either post about it, or scream for two solid minutes. i don't want anyone to call 911, so i'm utilizing my alternative.
ONCE AGAIN, i will make a note here that says that if you're reading this, i'm probably not talking about you. i am certainly sometimes passive aggressive, but not cruelly so.

crap crap crap

2009-02-19T09:12:00.001-06:00

so, despite my best efforts, i will be in town this weekend. do you wanna come over? or do you wanna go out? 'cause we're doing something. and you'd better be there. xo

late or never?

2009-02-17T09:15:00.005-06:00

hey, remember when i said i was going to california? i did! see?

this is my favorite one... taken from the ferris wheel on the santa monica pier.
i could not BELIEVE that these people were actually in the water. i realize that it's california, but it was still january, for cryin out loud. no way was that ocean more than 50 degrees.
i'm trying to go to new orleans this weekend. i have exhausted most of the options i can think of in the way of planes, trains, and automobiles in order to get there. does anyone have a hovercraft i can borrow? i understand that i'm asking at the last minute, but i'll fill up the tank before i bring it back. i promise.

new internet obsession

2009-02-16T11:04:00.003-06:00

www.annetaintor.com

maybe you hate it

2009-02-13T09:02:00.001-06:00

and that's just fine by me. but i want to say happy valentine's day anyway. if you're reading this, i more than likely love you all the way to the moon and back, and don't know who i'd be without you. love love. have a good weekend. xo

this is not a sad post

2009-02-12T14:19:00.006-06:00

just a curious one.

so you know when you get angry or frustrated or confused and you need to talk about it? i get that way sometimes, and i know you do too. and it always feels SO much better when you've spewed whatever it is out, even if you've solved nothing, right? i like to be the person my friends feel like they can come to in those situations. and even though i may not give the best advice, i like to think i've got sympathetic ears, and shoulders built for leaning on. keep it coming. and don't apologize when you do. this is what friends are supposed to do for each other, and i'll be there for you (clapclapclapclap... "friends" theme song? anyone? no?).

so lately, i've had some things on my mind. and i wonder: now that my friends are really for real grown up with grown up problems, what do mine really matter? i mean, i feel better after a good spew just like anyone else. but after being on the receiving end of some spew-age, my shit seems kind of stupid. i'd feel almost guilty telling anyone what's bothering me after i've heard their woes. it'd be comparable to the following:

me: i stubbed my toe today.
friend: ugh that sucks. i got hit by a bus and no longer have the use of my arms or legs.
me: yikes. my toe kind of hurts.

see what i'm saying? it'd be selfish to unload my ridiculous worries on someone who's going through much more than me. i have no bottom line, and expect no sympathy. i'm just using the ol' blog to speak my piece, as i quite often do. this concludes my pity party. thanks for tuning in. :)

***editor's note: this is not in reference to ANYONE or ANY SITUATION in particular. i've been thinking about this for a while, so if we've recently talked about your troubles, worry not that i am complaining about you. i'm not complaining about anyone. for realsies. :)

good one, jerk

2009-02-11T08:44:00.003-06:00

there have been conflicting reports as to the return date of my very favorite show, america's next top model. i had it on "good" authority that cycle 12 would begin on february 25th. i have since seen a promo on the all-knowing cw, and they are broadcasting a start date of MARCH THE FOURTH. i want to thank the following sources for the confusion: google, the cw, wikipedia, and last but CERTAINLY not least, tyra freakin' banks, who is basically the root of all evil.

tuesday in stereo

2009-02-10T09:21:00.005-06:00

today is tatum's biiiiirthday! she is 25, like me. she's also cute, like me. we may as well be twins. feliz cumpleanos, ladybug. that's really all this post is about. but for those of you aren't fortunate enough to know tatum, i will include the following:

i laughed until i almost puked when i saw this. please tell me you find it as funny as i do.

just a thought

2009-02-08T10:55:00.003-06:00

how is it that sunday nights are always filled with anxiety and dread for monday, when sunday mornings are sooooo fantastic? when do i crossover from relaxed to tense? after dinner? i'll have to investigate... i used to think saturday night was my favorite part of the week, but it is fast becoming sunday morning. there's a fine line between them, you know...

i am such a bitch

2009-02-06T14:57:00.004-06:00

so this lady walks in today. she shows up at 2pm for a 1:30 appointment, and gives no reason for her lateness, and no apologies either. she doesn't look at me one time while she's speaking to me. she says, "i need to see (insert boss' name), but i need the restroom first." i politely (i think) say (while looking at her waiting for her to look at me), "the ladies' room is the third door on the left, and you'll pass boss' office on the way." she doesn't say thank you, but she does dig through the candy dish on my desk and grab FIVE pieces of chocolate. upon leaving the building, she says nothing to me.

the reason i'm a bitch? this woman is probably very nice, supportive of her friends, fun to be around, and all-around just fine as a person. but this little glimpse of her will make me feel like she's a total asshole every time i see her (if i ever have to again).

hi. my name is melissa, and i will judge you at my leisure. :)

attention co-workers:

2009-02-04T12:11:00.002-06:00

this one's for you. stop making me crazy.

in other news, i like the resolve i've seen on some of your blogs to make february good this year. there is much to look forward to: sarah's having a BABY!, i have a lunch date with seldom-seen friends this weekend, might make saturday a movie night, i inexplicably love valentine's day, mardi gras mini-vacation is in like two weeks, antm comes back on the 25th (!!!), and then POOF. it will be march. hold on tight. four down and twenty-four to go.

dear february funk,

2009-01-30T10:11:00.003-06:00

you found me a couple of days early.

UGH i'm in a funk. and i have no idea why. i haaate it when this happens. i'm not angry, i'm not upset, i have no reason to be either. but i am in a funk. i don't know if it's lunar or what, but i am prone to such streaks of blah every now and again. and nothing is more frustrating than feeling poo-ey and having nothing to blame it on. boo.

what will make it go away? oh please please please, just go away. or at least present a good reason for me to let you stick around.

recently

2009-01-29T08:43:00.005-06:00

happenings and thoughts, submitted for your approval:
a) still no pictures. i feel like they've lost all relevancy at this point.
b) i didn't get a snow day. not even one. i don't want to sound ungrateful because i have power and i won't miss any pay, but still. just one day next time? please?
c) i stayed up until at least 4am on both friday and saturday nights drinking and carrying on. i am still recovering. hang on a sec... is that... yeah, the mailman's bringing my aarp card.
d) i miss having sleepovers with the boy i like. it takes a plane ride, which is suckey. i wish i could just say, "beam me up..." ha ha ha! if you know the rest of that line then you know why it's totally appropriate.
e) do you want to go see "he's just not that into you" with me? i usually only see special effects movies in the theater, but every now and again i like to make the same effort for a good old-fashioned chick flick. and i missed bride wars.
f) i have been eating a lot of rice. and feeling a lot bloated because of it.
g) i'm in love with that girl from american idol last night. the one with the tattoos and the long hair? i'd switch sides for her.
h) h is for haney. don't wear it out.
i) i'm going to stop now. i've become uninteresting.

bloop bloop

2009-01-23T13:31:00.004-06:00

things that make me frown:
1. i haven't posted my pictures yet. i haven't even downloaded them. oops.
2. it's 1:32pm CST, yet it somehow feels like it should be at least 6pm CST.
3. i feel kind of pukey. thanks a lot, day-old subway sammich.
4. even though the weather's a bit warmer, did we really have to say goodbye to the sunshine in exchange?
5. GROW HAIR GROW. i'm having a pretty serious "missing long hair" day.

things that make me smile:
1. gracious, how did it get to be friday already?!?
2. it's 1:34pm CST... the clock IS still ticking.
3. i haven't worn make-up in three days, and i don't feel ugly.
4. i'm finally going to read the seventh harry potter book this weekend.
5. it's almost february, which is almost march, which is almost spring...

say goodnight to hollywood

2009-01-18T13:13:00.002-06:00

i'll be home tonight. boo.

i have some pictures. they are only okay.

it's closing in t minus three hours until go time.

i wish i could start it all over.

you. are. welcome.

2009-01-14T09:27:00.003-06:00

it's way back wednesday, and i wanna shoop.

go west, young (wo)man

2009-01-13T08:46:00.003-06:00

in two days, i'll be going to california for a looong weekend. i don't necessarily need a vacation, since the holiday season just ended, but i want a vacation, so there you go. i'll be in los angeles, which brings up two important questions:
1. will i meet anyone famous? i'm certainly not going to hunt anyone down for an autograph, but if i see luke wilson in the airport, aren't i sort of obligated to try to kiss him?
2. with all those skinny anorexic girls out there, am i going to stick out like a sore thumb with my big ol' holiday thighs? ugh, cross your fingers. i don't need that kind of pressure.
so with these thoughts in mind, and not a single thing packed, i will be spending the next 48 hours doing some pretty serious california dreamin' (on such a winter's dayyyyy). i mean really, there's not much else i can do. :)

lovebirds... sort of

2009-01-12T12:12:00.005-06:00

so tatum and i occasionally hold hands in public when we see people looking at us, which in turn makes them look at us longer and meaner. but really, they're getting what they deserve because they were the ones looking at us for no reason in the first place. once when i dropped her off at a work function, we kissed right on the lips, just to see if anyone would say anything. come to think of it, did anyone say anything? hmmm... this post serves no purpose outside of saying that my roommate is the shit, and i'm so glad to have someone who loves to play "hetero girls scaring homophobes" just as much as i do. that is all.

sicky face

2009-01-08T10:04:00.003-06:00

i have it. i'm not sick in the traditional sense. no coughing or sneezing or any of that. but i am feeling sick lately. i think all the heavy holiday food and heavier holiday drinking has finally caught up with me, and my body is retaliating. i spent most of yesterday feeling nauseous and green in the gills which is NOT fun, and it only got worse as the day went on. BOOOOO. my head arms legs belly feet and brain are begging for a break, and i shall comply. sorry, cheese dip. sorry, merlot. sorry, every other delicious thing on the planet. got to take it easy... at least for a few days. ;)

what a tease

2009-01-05T11:21:00.004-06:00

weather in central arkansas for saturday, january third, 2009:
sunny, high---70 degrees fahrenheit
activities included: looking cute, wearing a t-shirt, spending all day outside, feeling like maybe it was spring

weather in central arkansas for monday, january fifth, 2009:
rain rain rain, high---38 degrees fahrenheit
activities (so far) include: waking up late, rockin' dirty hair, working, wishing it was spring and cussing the weekend weather anomaly

promises, promises

2009-01-02T09:02:00.005-06:00

i have a picture of me on new year's eve, giving all of you a new year's kiss, but i can't find my camera cord so this crappy pic will have to do. sorry. the sentiment is the same. : )
i've made some resolutions, and i will (hopefully) be able to make some serious progress in all of the following areas, but, as with every year, my number one priority is to just be a better melissa. with that in mind, here are the ways that i've decided i can do that in 2009:
1. stop cussing so much. i am not, nor have i ever been, a sailor. i don't know why i insist on sounding like one.
2. put less pressure on myself with regards to the way i look. i'm not sure where i got this ridiculous standard i've imposed on my outward appearance, but it's unattainable, at best. i'm not saying there's no room for improvement, and i'd like to look the best that i can, but i'm not a freaking supermodel. as soon as someone starts paying me to weigh 120lbs, i will gladly bust my butt to get there. until then, i should be happier with what i've got.
3. go back to school. please don't comment on this one. this is a personal decision, and i'm pretty sensitive about the subject. but this is an honest list of resolutions, so it must be included.
4. save money. i'm pretty bad to spend like there's no end in sight to my funds, which leaves me doing some pretty fast talking when there is any kind of atypical financial obligation. i can do better than that.
5. keep my bedroom clean. first, i have to GET it clean. : ) my good friend heather always says, "mess outside, mess inside." that is a true statement, and i'm done with both messes.
so there you have it. none of them is really that huge an undertaking, as best as i can tell. my biggest job is to basically love me and take care of me more, which all of the above will help me to accomplish. i will continue to laugh, play, and dance as much as i can, and if i can make a serious dent in these self-improvements, then 2009 will reveal the best version of me yet.
happy new year, boys and girls. xo

new year, new image

2008-12-31T08:20:00.005-06:00

so i saw this little activity on someone else's blog, thought it was hilarious, and decided to give it a shot. there are like 25 survey questions (your first pet, your hobby, etc) and you go to google images, type in the word/your answer, and then post the first picture that comes up. well 25 would've taken up too much space, so i decided to just do my first, middle, and last names. and the results are HILARIOUS. : )
first google image for "melissa":
this girl has 1.14 ounces of fat on her body. i'm just guessing, but i can't be too far off.
first google image for "margaret":
this is what i look like when i'm in my underwear, i swear to god. : )
first google image for "haney":
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! very rarely do i use the phrase "lol," but i can't think of anything that i could say here that would be more appropriate. i literally lol-ed when i saw this. as a matter of fact, i loljfheaofeinvao-ed. you can just get creative with regards to what those other letters mean. i laughed until i cried. i may or may not be related to this guy.

p.s. resolutions tomorrow... i still need to think about them. happy new year's eve, duckies. be safe, have fun, love love. xo

um, oops

2008-12-30T08:06:00.003-06:00

so i maybe might have a little bit overdone it just a smidge with yesterday's post. i told myself i wouldn't lash out on the ol' blog after that crackhead was being such a jerk on a previous entry of mine, but yesterday was like the perfect storm of online aggravation. eh, such is life. i'm over it. : )
the holiday season was quite busy in central arkansas, that's for sure. my mom was in town for a week and so i spent quite a bit of time with her and megs, then i had two days to cram in all (that's right, ALL) of my christmas shopping between working and catching up with folks in for the holidays, then i went to my dad's for a few days and ate, drank, and was generally merry. he's moving so we spent a pretty good deal of time sorting through an exorbitant amount of our things that have accumulated at his house over the years. fun? kind of. exhausting? totally. then saturday night i had a little mini-reunion with my pledge sisters from the sorority i was in for about five minutes, which was a little strange but mostly awesome. i got yelled at by some trashy skank at this bar in russellville, which is always a night-maker. and now... *sigh* now i'm just back at work, trying to catch up on sleep at home(it will never happen), and waiting for warmer weather.
it sounds like you all had fantastic christmases and i'm very glad for it. i'm not sorry that i boiled over like a pot of crazy-time tea in yesterday's post, but i will say that i will keep the outbursts to a minimum... at least i will on the blog. : ) xo

bitches, UGH

2008-12-29T16:42:00.003-06:00

seriously, i've been noticing lately that there are some hateful bitches in the blogosphere. whether or not their tacky shit is inadvertant, it would be really fucking awesome if people would just learn how to LOCK IT UP. you know when you're little and your mama says, "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"? SHE WASN'T FUCKING AROUND. from anonymous bullies to "friends" leaving shit comments, this crap is seriously getting old. ugh. grow up.

so here it is

2008-12-24T08:05:00.003-06:00

this is my merry christmas post... so... merry christmas, kids. : ) hope you get everything you asked for from santa. if you're traveling, be safe. i love you all, love your families, and will be sending christmas-y good vibes to you and yours in the coming days. love love.

it looks a little different at 25

2008-12-22T13:14:00.004-06:00

my mommy and sister and i watched "a charlie brown christmas" yesterday, getting into the spirit of the season and eating our weight in spinach dip. i remember loving that movie (is it a movie? it's only 20 minutes long...) when i was a kid, but now, the only thing i could think when it was over is this: charlie brown may be the saddest mo-fo of all time. that poor kid! lucy's skanky friend violet actually uttered the words, "try to do something right for once in your life, charlie brown." merry effing christmas, right?

the duggars:

2008-12-19T10:55:00.003-06:00

perpetuating the stereotype that all arkansans are crazy rednecks since 1988.

we should be so lucky

2008-12-18T08:24:00.004-06:00

two gay dude penguins in a zoo were caught stealing other penguins' babies and trying to father them. so the zoo officials moved them away from everyone else and gave them two little babies of their own to raise and they are, apparently, the best parents of all the penguins.
no, they are not humans, but yes, they are an example. i've never had two parents of the same sex but i have to believe that most people would agree with me when i say i'd rather have two dads than no dad at all.
i am, of course, simplifying the issue. that's what i do, so before you even start with me, don't. i'm talking to you. no, not you... YOU. take a hike, yeah?

p.s. i plucked my eyebrows last night and i'm back to lookin' suuuuper fly.

not a funk, per se...

2008-12-17T11:07:00.003-06:00

i spent five hours on the interstate last night between my house and the airport. under normal conditions, this is roughly a forty-minute excursion. thank you, arkansas highway transportation department, for taking SUCH good care of the roads (insert sarcastic eye roll). thank you, cranky and dangerous commuters, for your SUPER FUN antics and blood pressure-raising maneuvers. thank you, full bladder that i should've emptied before departing, for swelling to the size of a basketball and making me seriously consider wearing depends.

things i have done:
secured the safe arrival of both mama and sister
re-scheduled a much-needed haircut twice
planned a small (but exciting!) vacation

things i have not done:
bought a single christmas present
plucked my eyebrows in the last week
wished anyone, anywhere, happy holidays

ooooopsy daisy...

what i was trying to say...

2008-12-12T12:07:00.001-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2206445/pagenum/all/

priority check

2008-12-11T16:38:00.005-06:00

so have you seen all the stories in the news about barack obama being a smoker? it seems as though every news outlet in the u.s. (including, but not limited to, the chicago tribune, abc news, the washington post, fox news [of course] and cnFREAKINGn) has jumped on this "story" and driven it into the damn ground, securing a promise from the future PRESIDENT OF OUR COUNTRY that he won't smoke after he takes office. um, am i alone here? or is this the most NON-RELEVANT ISSUE EVER? who gives a shit if the man likes his marlboros?!? yes, smoking is bad. yes, big tobacco is bad. yes, we all fight our little wars with cigarettes from time to time. but he's about to be the LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD for chrissakes. SURELY there are more pressing things one would like to discuss with the man who's about to take over our economical, educational, and social policies... SURELY. so... is it just me? or is this kiiiind of a bunch of bullshit?

time to intervene

2008-12-10T09:30:00.002-06:00

i swear to god, if i don't start waking up before 6:30 every day, my co-workers are literally going to have to install a shower head at work for me. i am yucko to the max.

yo yo yo

2008-11-30T15:31:00.002-06:00

it's post-thanksgiving. i have no pictures for you. you know what i do have? lots of L-O-V-E for all you bitches and hos. : ) xoxox

i'll holla soon... when i have interesting things to say.